What is this about? I had a csa dream last night. I don’t feel this way… a part of me does. In fact, the part of me writing this… hates this drawing… hates that I drew it… finds it disgusting and disturbing and almost shameful to express this at all…
I didn’t listen to that voice.. my voice. I tried to listen to the part that wanted to share… and it’s pretty bizarre… to feel it.. to feel.. both the shame… and the pain… simultaneously. It’s raw… it’s somewhat how she feels… because i feel it too at times… this desire to just rip out my genitals… and bleed to death… i didn’t make it that graphic… this is an interpretation of that feeling. I don’t really know what to say. Feeling it… i just feel dead inside. But.. i’m expected to go put on a happy face for friends so i have to put away this pain for now… i hope.. it doesn’t drive me back to being suicidal later but… who am i kidding? lol
This part feels deeply like no one hears her.. or cares…. maybe because I haven’t expressed her stuff enough… not honestly enough because i’ve been too afraid… too afraid it would be too graphic.. to raw.. too disgusting… this isn’t even as far as i could push the things that haunt her.. i want to.. i might… but i’m scared if i show it to my T or friend.. they’ll think i’m a monster myself…. because who could come up with some of the imagery stuck in my head… the things that rob me of sleep and haunt my waking hours during the quiet moments.
What do you think? do you think if i showed you what i see… would you think i’m a monster too?