Yes, ma’am. This is how I feel on antidepressants right now. Some strange feeling of artificial antagonistic bubble gum happiness. Can’t cry, just neutral, amped, or angry. The choices on my emotion wheel just got a lot smaller.
I am back to doing the things that used to help fight depression naturally – but they don’t quite feel the same. Nothing does. It’s like going through the physical act of things.. laughing when I’m supposed to… but there is just something.. off about it all. Feels… a little forced. Like I need to keep moving if I slow down I’ll go insane. Which keeps my brain super busy and not focused on any of the shit… I probably should be working through.
That being said, I guess I’m not suicidal. I am actually having a difficult time finding any of those more raw unencumbered deep feelings. I used to just be able to think myself into a little bit of a melancholy (which if I wasn’t careful could easily turn into swirling depression). The thing is… sometimes it felt good to live in that space. When I was alone the other day I was apprehensive about how I’d feel and at the same time looking forward to having space to get a good cry out if I wanted, but I couldn’t. I felt… nothing. I tried too.
It wasn’t like there aren’t things that make me feel a little sad or even that I don’t feel tears well up on occasion… but then… there’s just nothing. lol The thing is this is pretty close to how I felt in Texas. Before I moved back. Things were simple, easy, but deep down still felt off. And that’s what this feels like.
I can’t even describe it well. That’s how foreign it feels. The only time I’ve been able to feel close to what I did before is if I get pretty significantly high.
Speaking of which, I was def stoned painting this posts’s piece.. if you couldn’t tell. Next week going to do some microdosing and see where that takes me… should be fun.
Or not… I couldn’t care less. *shrug*