Feeling low. Intrusive thoughts floating into awareness. The words feel like they’re sailing in gently… sort of diffusing their way into my consciousness.
“Do you think maybe you should kill yourself?”
“Hm?” I ask internally. “Oh.. I don’t know, maybe.” I absentmindedly respond. My brain in fog, can’t seem to focus lately. “Wait.. no.. that’s dumb we’re fine. I think we are okay… maybe.”
“Are you though? Nothing seems fun. Art does not seem fun. Writing does not feel relieving. Food does not sound pleasurable. You have nothing to say to your friends. You want to do something physical but are too tired. You just want to lay here… so… maybe you should just kill yourself?”
“Hm. I mean.. it’s a consideration I guess. one of the many things I can do. Always an option. Seems kinda lame to do it just cause of how we feel today though… I mean I’ve felt way worse than this…”
“So, just sit here and hurt? Your leg shaking from anxiety. Your chest tight from internal turmoil and the pain of realizing your own lonely existence? That doesn’t seem optimal…”
“Well.. when you put it that way… I guess it doesn’t. I don’t know what to do. I tried talking to friends. I tried writing my T. I tried a tasty meal. I tried thinking about an art project… i was physical all fucking day long yesterday…. just i’m still back here.. and now none of it sounds… good. It all sounds like work.. and I just want to…”
“What?… sleep? Or…?”
“Die. Yeah…I guess. Maybe you’re right.”
***
But I know I can’t do that. I know it would be silly and heart breaking for the people around me. I just feel so dead inside and I want it to stop. If I didn’t have to see work people in person this week I would absolutely have cut already. Why you ask? For lots of reasons. Relief from the near constant anxiety. Punishment for being so weak. Anger at being inept at getting better at having always something wrong and never just being able to be.. “okay“. For sending so many pathetic fucking messages to your T. Hopelessness at feeling like I’ll ever be able to be a normal person. Knowing the inevitable demise of close relationships until I’m all alone again…
“Hey… do you remember what that was like?”
“Of course. You lived alone. You were constantly scared of someone hurting you. There were a few close calls.. and then there was that one time. Remember when your T made you feel stupid for inviting your rapist back to help you move? haha”
“Yeah.. because I am stupid. lol My safety radar is off… I guess he wanted to make sure I saw how fucked up my radar is.. just made me feel bad though tbh. lol”
“Do you remember when that guy came upstairs? He walked with such purpose towards you and ripped his belt out from his pant loops… and advanced on you like a predator to its prey. Do you remember going into freeze? You were too afraid to say no because of what that belt in his hand triggered. And because you were alone. Because… of what men do to you.. when you’re alone.
Do you want to kill yourself now? It will make the bad memories go away…”
“No. It just makes me hate myself and .. I just feel like everything is my fault. It’s my fault for never saying no to Alex. My fault for challenging my dad. My fault for constantly getting drunk or for inviting someone back into my life because I didn’t understand… how much of an impact rape had on me… i buried it and told myself it didn’t matter.. thats why I invited him back.”
“Do you remember when he said he was taking you home after your birthday but brought you to a hotel instead? And the one friend with you two, the one friend you thought would never make a move on you, groped your chest under your shirt in the car while your rapist pretended not to notice while driving you home. And then your rapist pulled up to the hotel to have sex with you… What did you do? Did you say ‘No’ then?”
“No because i’m an idiot. I just collapsed into it…tonic immobility. Told myself, this is my fate… this is what I’m made for… its just sex. What do my feelings matter? I wanted to go home but whatever. Why do I feel so scared right now?”
“Probably because you’re an idiot who can’t tell the difference between present and past. Your’e the one who said it… All of this shit is your fault. You have nothing to complain about. So get over it…or just kill yourself.”
“You forgot one. It’s my fault for having any needs at all.
And.. you’re probably right.. I’m better off silent as the grave. No one needs to hear my self-centered whining. I got exactly what I deserved. Nothing more.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“What I always do. Pretend I’m totally okay because I don’t want to burden anyone…or give up.”
“That’s right….give in.“
***
The weekends are so hard for me because my brain has too much time to dip in and out of memories and no where to put them. I could try harder to heal, to deal with it, instead of avoid and distract. I’m probably not trying hard enough. Probably am afraid of getting better. Which is even more pathetic. Why am I so bad at stuff? If I can’t get to a place of stability.. that will be my fault too. I deserve to do everything alone because I’ll just disappoint everyone…
Lack of discipline. Laziness. Stupid. Inability to commit. Attention seeker… fake… worthless.. naïve and idiotic. Doormat.
“I mean.. you said it… you know it’s true.”
“I hate you.”
“Feeling is mutual but I’m stuck with you. But look, I’m genuinely trying to save you from all of this why don’t you just give in?”
“I don’t know I guess it would make some people sad i guess. My friends.. I’m supposed to spend time with them on Saturday/this weekend don’t want to spoil that…”
“What about your supposed ‘best friend’? The one you changed all your plans for so she would be able to make it this weekend? Because you wanted to be inclusive and you know how bad she has FOMO. You pushed everything four weeks later, on a week that is far more stressful for you. She committed to coming and now suddenly can’t go and instead of apologizing for the late notice… rambled about how hard it is to have a second child to… you. Like you didn’t understand how hard it is to have a kid. You mean that friend? …And how did you respond?”
“I tried to be understanding… I don’t know… I know she’s stresed I guess.. ”
“Don’t fucking lie, she made you cry… again. Just another example of how much your friends actually care! lolol”
“It’s not her fault.. I’m just a really sensitive person. This wasn’t that important a trip… not as important as trying for a kid. I don’t know…it’s fine.”
“Damn, you really are pathetic. Fucking grow a spine.”
“I know… I’m a doormat. Worthless. My mom’s birthday is next month.. and instead of dealing with it… and with my pathetic self maybe it would be better if I took your advice. I feel so bad about myself tonight. I hate myself. I’m just dumb and selfish and incapable of love and I made a huge deal out of all this stupid-stupid shit in my past that is all my fault anyway and..and…
*sigh*
Okay. I see it now. Maybe you’re right…”
“Atta girl.”