Well. I made it. I made it to the end of the week. I struggled. There were so many opportunities for me to give up, to lose hope, to allow myself to fall into despair. And I did momentarily, there were moments I didn’t think I could keep going, but I’m still here. I made it through the trials of this week and they were just as painful as I had imagined.
Like most vacations it took me a few days to unplug from work. In those first few days I could feel the dread as Thanksgiving approached. The dread of having to see my family, of having to pretend everything was okay. Pretend that my brother wasn’t dead, that I didn’t feel uncomfortable around my other brother, or my parents. Pretend that I wouldn’t feel the crushing vacuum of space left by my brother’s eternal absence.
I spent those first two days off and on in bed. Suffocating depression marred my mood this week with an intensity I hadn’t prepared for. It led to nightmares and worst of all flashbacks – including a CSA flashback that ravaged my body with painful pelvic cramps and my mind with poignant visuals. I suffered. I was struggling with headaches for days and Wednesday night was no different. So, I bowed out of the social activity for that evening and allowed R to go on without me, knowing I needed some time to be vulnerable and feel my emotions – which for me – is to be alone. There’s also a danger in that, I recognized this but it didn’t matter. And as I sat by myself, I reflected on my life, on where I was at, on these memories and sensations. I cried so much. Painful sobs that scared my faithful dogs nearby. The small furry faces filled with concern as I curled up into a ball on my bed shaking and crying into a pillow. This was the first real trial. I so badly wanted to end myself – end my suffering – the last two blog posts I wrote reflect that pain.
But, after the sobs died down, after I made a decision not to act on my impulse, to endure the searing emotional pain because I couldn’t bare the thought of hurting R or the twins; I thought of one way to get relief that would keep me alive but silence the voices, assuage the pain. Sleep. Deep dreamless sleep.
I took an edible and some muscle relaxers and knocked myself out – knowing that was a powerful combination – I slept for 14 hours straight and probably could have slept more. I woke up having missed half of Thanksgiving day and that’s what I was most thankful for – sleep.
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The second trial was showing up, being present that evening. I put myself together and went over to my folks place and pretended that this day was something to celebrate with “family”. If I’m being honest, there is some gratitude that I have any family at all to be with on thanksgiving, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t be happier just celebrating with R and I alone or with friends. Still, I showed up and enjoyed some food and shallow conversation with my brother and folks. And after a short time I had a built in excuse to go pick up the twins.
While it’s always exhausting for them to come over… I enjoy their visits. We finally got some really heartwarming pictures of the four of us together in front of the plaza lights. I keep trying to print some photos out to put up in the house and I struggle because it hurts for me to look at us together without my brother. Or even to print out photos of them with my brother… I just can’t. I’ve tried so many times and I always give up part way through. I don’t know how to describe this pain to those who haven’t felt the depth of this kind of loss – it’s eternal. Like a broken bone suffered in youth, the scars will always be there as a powerful reminder of the fragility of our bodies and the ethereal nature of our short lives. It’s dizzying to think about and at times it doesn’t feel real, but reality always hits, really hard.
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The third trial was a day later, still struggling with a burgeoning migraine, I desperately searched all the nooks and crannies for my migraine rescue meds. I never found them, but I did find some hidden prescription meds I don’t remember hiding. Codeine and more muscle relaxers. I briefly considered what kind of lethal cocktail I could make with this plus some other items in my medicine cabinet; a sense of relief came over me. If it ever got too bad, there’s another potential escape hatch as I add to the stockpile of prescription drugs I’m building. I know I shouldn’t keep them. I should rid myself of them… and maybe one day I will… but it’s enough that I didn’t make myself an RX cocktail like I did a few months ago. It’s enough, that given all the emotional turmoil this week, I’m still alive today.
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There were some beautiful spots too. Listening to my friends talk about the good and happy parts of their holiday. The impromptu party I had Saturday night that resulted in us all singing karaoke deep into the night and my long term friend hanging out until three am talking about life and trauma and therapy. We haven’t had an open dialogue like that in a long time. The beautiful words, imagery and love shared with my online friend later that evening as we comforted each other after a long week. And there it is again.. a warm spot deep in my core slowly growing. Gratitude.
Gratitude for the twins wanting to spend time with me; for allowing me space in their lives. Gratitude for my friends, their support, love, laughter, and joy fuels me to keep going. And for the kindness R consistently shows me; giving me space when I need it and warm embraces when I need those. And for the words Ben left me with, that I struggled to hear in session, but stayed with me through the week, in short; “there will be someone here for you after you get through the week.. even if you don’t think you’ll need it… you have someone…” and looking back, he’s right. There are many people here for me…who love me, support me, want me, and need me. I just need to take the time to lift my head up and look.
What better way to end a week intended for thankfulness, than to truly appreciate the full magnitude of all that I have. I am humbled by the people that choose to befriend me, to love me. Grateful for the fullness, the richness, color, and beauty that is the tapestry of my life. A life I will continue to weave with threads I’ve yet to discover, and I’m thankful for that too. And though, I will always miss my brother, his golden thread will always be there, tightly woven into my design and glinting brightly.
Happy Thanksgiving <3