One of my favorite shows is Firefly – a space western by Joss Whedon (despite him having some bad publicity due to his own crappy actions… still a great show). A character named Wash is an amazing pilot and after the show is canceled they made a movie. Wash is piloting the spaceship in this intense scene where they’re being chased by a cannibalistic space tribe. As he’s navigating through asteroids and gun fire to calm himself he says, “I’m a leaf on the wind…look how I soar” under his breathe and in his usual sarcastic tone (he’s played by alan tudyk).
Moments later he crash lands the ship inside a cave. The ship is good enough and the crew is safe. He takes a deep breathe of relief and then he gets impaled by a rogue piece of the enemy ship and is killed instantly. One of the best characters killed after a heroic effort – so brutal. That’s me right now.
I just feel like I tried really hard in my life to excel and be a good person and in the end I just get impaled to death. The last several days I imagine that I’m probably dead inside the year or I buy myself a trip outta the country and may or may not come back. R is onboard w/ a month long trip but… who knows maybe I’ll just stay gone… or jump off a bridge in some beautiful landscape – romanticizing suicide is great. lol
I just realized my birthday is coming up. And you know what I thought? Happy birthday to me: my brother’s dead, my family doesn’t really exist, my brain is completely broken, I don’t give a fuck about my career anymore having given up everything I worked for, I can barely take care of myself and I’m not being there enough for the twins… I feel like a failure, I feel completely lost and alone. Like literally alone and I don’t really see a reason to be here.
And I try so hard not to feel this way I just can’t help it. I keep scheduling things to keep me going… can’t kill myself this week really wanted to hit up that concert… can’t do it next week it’s Rich’s birthday.. etc. I suppose I’ll do that for a while, but I know eventually I’ll run out of things to do (or money lol) and when that day comes I don’t know that I’ll care enough to keep going.
And other than hurting people… who never really knew me anyway… I’m pretty sure the world won’t fucking notice. Too many people on the planet anyway. It’s just, when everyday you just hurt so badly that you have to block it out and just be fucking robot or disassociate into a completely different person (wtf)…it’s time to consider your exit strategy.
You know when a good day would be? Actually on my birthday. Then folks only have to have one date to be sad on instead of two. lol That’s honestly very typical of me… considerate to the end.