I’ve been thinking a lot about how I used to feel as a kid… and how I’m feeling this past week. Really “switchy” as my friends like to call it. Really just between … maybe.. my true self? I’m not actually sure what that means… but the other part is definitely the armored. I’m kind of nervous she might… sorta take over because I’m too anxious. I have been busying myself with writing or art or work or whatever.. because every time I stop… I start to get super panicky and end up in a ball under a blanket. The only other thing helping right now is that I have a mild calf tear/strain which has hobbled me enough I can’t walk very well lol. It’s pretty painful, but I kind of like it. I also got really panicky and ragey on Saturday before dinner w/ my parents+family and ended up rage cutting at my arm and drawing more blood than intended. I fucking hate it when that happens because I lost control – that hasn’t actually happened in a really long time. Typically if I SH it’s slow and deliberate. This was not that. But all of that physical pain distracts me from the internal pain. Wish granted I guess. I feel like thats what the system wanted anyway… they wanted me disabled… distracted… so she could take over for a while. Build a case against how I’m handling things…I make poor decisions after all. :/
But, there’s a lot I like about this piece and I also hate it.
Side by Side:
