Interesting conversation that sort of just happened in my group chat this week. We ended up talking about some CSA stuff and then my buddy mentioned having an orgasm as a release for all the tension she’d been experiencing. I know this all too well as I frequently engage in that, many, many times per week (pretty much daily lately cause of all the anxiety). It’s just so easy for me and it’s honesty better than cutting, eating comfort food, curling up into a ball and/or falling into despair, etc. And here’s the thing I’ve come to realize and have said before – for me orgasm/sex is just a tool. I’ve almost completely lost my connection between sex and love over the years. But, at one point I loved my ex enough that sex had a lot of emotionality and love inherent in it. I think that’s the only time I’ve ever felt that and the sex was just fantastic because of it – especially early on. That changed for good after we broke up. I decided never to let anyone have that level of trust from me again (didn’t help one of my best friends slept with him after that and he made it a point to tell me about it… which is just..whatever, fuck people).
But let me back up. Barring the very early CSA experiences I had as a child, when I was 14 is when I feel like masturbation started to become a common go to for me. The older dude who I met online really guided me in that. Honestly, maybe I was 13 – can’t remember. But he used to send me pornographic drawings of us (he was an artist) and we chatted constantly, then had lots of cybersex, then lots of phone sex. He essentially taught me how to masturbate over the phone – how weird is that? Where were my parents in all this one may ask? lol Well, they moved over the summer and they were launching their business so I was home alone – a lot. So that went on for about a year and a half before we decided to meet in person. I remember after we had sex he was disappointed because he thought I lied about being a virgin. I stopped talking to him when I was 16. It was pretty downhill from there in terms of numbers of partners, lost count after 25+ male and oh I don’t know 5 or 6 female partners, 3-5 wacky threesomes/foursomes.. lots of stuff – tbh I’m not sure why I kept count at all, I just did. And I never talk about how much “experience” I have to anyone… because they all look at me like I’m crazy. When I strayed recently, one of the experiences was w/ a woman, her husband just watched. It was pretty erotic honestly. But afterwards the dude grabbed me and forced a kiss on me. It was gross and I hated it.
So, yeah, back to.. getting off. It’s is just a thing.. that I get lost in to get a quick hit of dopamine and go on my merry way. It’s safer if its just me and I’ve never had any issues with that until recently. I watch quick little porn clips all the time. Diving into my personal history my fetishes start to make a lot of sense: BDSM (particularly where women are held down or controlled or unable to move), medical fetish, and very occasionally the whole fake daddy/daughter punishment narrative and some other weird stuff – I mean if you can think of it – it’s on the internet. It’s somewhat mortifying to admit. I’m not going to talk about all of my fetishes but I did talk about it a little w/ my buddy.. and she’s had a really similar past to me. That made it a little easier to talk about with her as we had similar feelings on being attracted to porn that mirrors our experiences – both of us feel a pretty intense shame about that. So here I am masturbating to all of this crap, no problem for years… decades. And now all of a sudden … I struggle. I used to be able to get off in like 30 seconds to a couple minutes… now it takes 20 min if I can at all.
And yesterday, ugh, I was looking for a quick release… browsing the usual site… came across a thumbnail preview that looked pretty vanilla and I don’t really care about the titles on clips so much (they’re all fake anyway). It was a daddy/daughter narrative and I kind of ignored it because it looked just like two same-aged consenting adults… so whatever. But I watched it… and after I was done I stifled…almost burst into tears. But why? I don’t have any memory of my dad sleeping with me… so why would that bother me? Why have the fetish at all? And I’ve never in my life cried after sex or masturbation. What the fuck is happening to me?
Lately the fragments I’ve been getting are not great. One that is particularly strong is the feeling of someone’s stomach on me, a man over me, as a child… the other… and it really hurts to admit this… is this distinct feeling of someone pushing my diaper aside and touching me down there.. or worse I don’t know. The weird part is that my ex used to like to have sex w/ me w/ my panties on and use to do the same thing (push them aside) and for some reason my brain is triggering both memories at the same time lately. As a young kid (maybe 6 or 7) I used to be fascinated with diapers too it was weird – and I don’t understand it so I’m not going to elaborate. All of it is horrifying. I just push it down but… I probably need to take a moment to talk to my younger parts about this – especially the one I met in the well. I’m just absolutely terrified….like if there’s a word for being scared you might just run into traffic if you find out something you don’t want to know… that’s how I feel.
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I haven’t let R touch me in a couple of months though I was ready and willing after the concert the other night… he fell asleep… he always does. That’s part of the reason I never ask for sex, my drive is intense and constant and I just feel like his is super low. I also don’t really care about foreplay or putting any romance up front because.. again.. I’m just looking for a release and some fun. R likely wants more than that.. and I can’t really give that to him because of how detached that is for me. I think if I were to start tying the two (sex and love… real intimacy) together it might be what R is looking for… I might take my time and actually give a shit… but that’s scary isn’t it? And I’m not even sure I feel that way about him…because I don’t know if I’m capable of that anymore or if I ever felt that way in the first place.
There’s just such an intensely huge block there for me… and I don’t know if I’m ready to bring that wall down. It’s shameful to admit that, nearly 5 years into our marriage. It makes me feel so hopelessly broken – like maybe I should just be single. Our sex life is on life support, I don’t know how he is just okay with it, when I’m over here “supplementing” like crazy. I wonder if he knew how much what he would say. It doesn’t matter. Things are okay the way they are and I don’t have any desire to rock the boat between us and…. I am scared to look any deeper into my complicated feelings about sex… I’m so frightened to find something out about myself I didn’t want to know… maybe it’s best to leave it all alone.
I keep thinking about my upcoming session and I really don’t even know if I can be present. I have the distinct feeling the armored is not going to let me be there… it’s fine. I trust her to keep me safe, barring anyone overpowering us that is – which isn’t her fault and … at least… at least she’s always there to shield me from the brunt of it (I’m sorry you have to endure so much on my behalf…). I just wonder what it’ll be like, she doesn’t talk to my T very often. I guess we’ll just find out together who shows up.