Got home and fell asleep. Dreamt of taking a hot shower and slicing deeply into my wrists and watching the blood drip down my forearms and into the shower drain. It wouldn’t kill me but I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to see myself bleed. Then I realized I’d never be able to conceal those cuts. Maybe a hammer… some blows to my legs to bruise them up. I could use, soccer, or any other physical sport to excuse them. Something needs to be done… Somehow I need to hurt myself and I don’t even really understand why. It makes me so sad.
I mean, logically I get it. Logically I understand that trauma can mess with people’s perception of self and give you distorted views of reality. I guess… but also my lived experiences make it very hard to believe that people aren’t inherently cruel or dangerous. Since I recovered some memories, I just feel a persistent sadness. I get some relief momentarily than.. back down. It doesn’t seem to want to go away..and tbh sometimes I crave it. It’s like, there are parts of me that still have a lot to say and even if I find moments of peace or happiness.. they won’t let me forget them. Which is fair… but also incredibly painful. It hurts to feel like you’re finally climbing out of a hole only to have something take hold of your ankle and rip you off the ladder back down. And at times, the higher I am up, the harder it hurts when I fall back down. Broken bones and blood and cuts..
God I just crave feeling physically injured so much right now. Why do you suppose that is? I don’t really understand it? (Is it really as simple as neurons that fire together wire together?). Cause it doesn’t feel simple to me. Today I feel hopeless. Like I don’t want to try anymore. Like it’s all too much.
I feel .. anxious doesn’t even describe it.. i’m so tired of using words like anxious, and terrified, horrified, scared, depressed.. i’m tired of saying I’m tired. I don’t want to see anyone about any of this. I don’t want to talk to some new person about all of this.. and try a billion different medications with all these random side effects that just make me sick or fuck w/ my emotions and make just existing harder. I think I might have a panic attack the day i’m supposed to talk to that psych… already feeling it thinking about it. : ( .. might just not show up.. i guess that makes me weak … *sigh*
I’m just sad and scared. I don’t even really want to go to my session on Thursday. I don’t want any of it anymore. I kind of just want to … let it just play out and if I kill myself.. oh well. I haven’t really had a sense or .. a fear of death.. since my brother died. Not that I’m trying to kms but man i just… do not care about anything.
I think… maybe part of it is wellbutrin xl’s affect on me. I get crazy hunger cravings and depression increases a ton the week before my period now. Which is.. this week. And now that my cycles are so much shorter it just… barely feels like I get any time feeling normal. My brain feels… so foggy. I struggle to find words sometimes… and I just want to cry all the time. I can’t stop feeling like I hate myself. I accidentally said it out loud (i do this a lot when i can’t help what my parts are saying to me.. it’s almost unconscious..) last night and it woke R up and he asked why i hated myself, half asleep himself, and i had to play it off because i don’t want him to know how brutal the depression is… i don’t want to worry him.. i’ll probably be fine… it just… hurts so so so so much.
But no one can really help me. So.. it is what it is. I keep feeling… like i deserve this for some reason. I try to smile and it’s like my face is permanently stuck in neutral.. can’t smile unless I really force it. And I force… everything. Constantly. I’m always just wearing a fake mask to hide how much pain I’m in… for everyone else. It’s okay.. sometimes I am happy but… a lot of times I’m just….. faking it – is that bad? I don’t know what else to do…
I just want to sleep… forever. I don’t want to see or do anything this week. Is that bad? What if I just… ignore and isolate from everyone? is that bad? I don’t know what… I just want to cry… maybe i’ll just take tons of drugs so i fall asleep and don’t wake up until late tomorrow. I just want to sleep without constant vivid or scary dreams… (practically begging…) i had a really nice weekend… and a part of me is convincing me that – that’s a really nice send off… .. why am i so sad?… it hurts.
i’ll try to just watch tv.. or play a video game.. just seems pointless.
