TK’s memorial hit me a little more than I thought it would. There were a couple of moments where, even thinking about it now, I fell into deep dissociation. I floated outside of the room until I realized what was happening and was finally able to pull myself back.
I’m trying to get better at letting the emotions be and not just steam rolling past them. It helped that so many people shared funny stories about TK, a sharp contrast to my brother’s service where only myself and Casey shared. It made sense, TK was a a quirky dude, full of life. The stories brought a smile to my face, it was bittersweet.
Afterwards I invited Chad (his best friend and my best friend’s husband) over to the house for an honorary drink. We had a few other people over and shared more stories and hung out. It felt really good.
When my brother died I felt so fucking alone with my pain. My brother J wasn’t really the kind of person who would support me and my parents were useless. I had to support them more than they did back, though my mom tried after a month. She sent me a text a week ago letting me know she’s asked my dad to help me sell my brother’s house because it’s sat for far too long. She has no idea where the process is because she’s never really asked…avoided all of it and dumped it on my plate. I actually signed a great offer today. Finishing the paperwork seems like it’ll go by quickly.
I have lots of feelings about it, but for the past couple of weeks, well, since that one session, I have blocked out most of my emotional parts. I can feel them but, I’m working really hard to keep them under control. I don’t want to be in those parts anymore. I’m scared to let them front, less I lose control.
Those parts are in collapse, or terrified of being abandoned, hurt, broken, this polarizing need to both be invisible, but seen enough to be rescued by someone; it’s why they cling so much to Ben. In a lot of ways he’s been a very safe space for them to emerge, when they often stay hidden.
And even though I refer to one little part, there are definitely more. I’m just scared of looking deeper because of what I might find. This weekend the littlest part woke up. The one that I found in the well and that has been asleep since then. She has remained on the bed curled in a ball sleeping in the blue room (my head space) with Loved keeping her safe and warm, her arms wrapped around the Littlest’s small body.
But she woke up. During my sativa fueled meditation I caught glimpse of some of her body memories. I looked smaller than the Little part I usually refer to, and there were no words, just sensations and images. So now when I see her, called Two, she is sitting up on the edge of the bed, head lowered and in collapse. Numb, quiet, unmoving, but she’s awake. Do you know how sad it is to look at a toddler and realize why they’re like that? Why they don’t talk?
I see it, but I’m not going to go near her just yet. It’s too frightening, at the same time I feel really bad leaving her alone. Loved is still there, but.. being held, I’m not sure if that’s what she needs. I don’t know and I’m too afraid to look.
One of the scenes from Arcane is a little girl Powder experiencing a violent street brawl, she backs up to the nearest wall trying to make herself shrink, become invisible, with terror in her eyes. That image was so familiar it actually triggered me a little when I watched it.
One of the things I love about her narrative is how well they show her desperation. Everything she does is just to feel safe, loved, and to survive. It’s a feeling that is all too familiar.