And just like that, my fight parts are gone. EPs come bursting through and I’m back to feeling intense sadness and a distinct lack of control.
It’s everything. It’s feeling so very alone in my journey. No one really gives a shit – just accept it. It’s knowing the new normal is that I won’t get to talk to my brother ever again; I have to make do with talking to his portrait. It’s having to listen to my cat cry every morning for her dead brother and then realizing some days I forgot I owned a black cat at all – how could I forget? What the fuck is wrong with me? And it’s remembering my dead friend’s wife is sick with grief and knowing exactly what that does to someone. It’s guilt that I haven’t invited the twins over in a really long time. It’s subjecting myself to physical pain as often as I can because it feels right to be bruised up and I hate that I’m messed up in that way. It’s knowing that I’ll continue to be in pain for a long time as long as I decide to keep going. It’s wanting support and hating myself for craving support – people. Push everyone away. It’s both hating my parents and feeling guilty about hating them. It’s not knowing who I am from one day to the next, what the fuck is self? It’s painful not to know who you are – I don’t even know how to explain that to people or why it hurts. I’m not sure I even know what that really feels like. And most of all it’s feeling like I’m inadequate in every fucking way that matters – I’ll never be enough. Not good enough, not damaged enough, too damaged, too good, too smart, too dumb, too creative, not creative enough, too much, too much. You’re just too much. You’ve always been too much – just shut up.
I just hate myself so much today.
***
Flood. Flood. Flood. EP flood. I tried to get them to step back but it’s not working today. Today they want to be here and I don’t have the energy, the heart, to take that away from them. So I’ll just give in and be sad. I can feel Silent’s inclination to give up…to let go… I can feel one of the littles feeling abandoned and crying for someone to give a shit at how hurt she is and I can feel the other little part of me hiding… trying to shrink away from all the internal conflict as Darkness yells at them to stop crying (or she’ll give them a reason to cry). I’m just out of energy today. I don’t have the energy to mediate. Keeping the wall up was hard enough for the past couple of weeks. So now I am resigned, I deserve to hurt. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep… and I can feel Deviant under the surface… get fucked up let go.. let it go… get fucked up… harder this time. Make it hurt… and Darkness smiling.
Rape me Rape me, my friend Rape me Rape me again I'm not the only one I'm not the only one I'm not the only one I'm not the only one Hate me Do it, and do it again Waste me Rape me, my friend I'm not the only one I'm not the only one I'm not the only one I'm not the only one My favorite inside source I'll kiss your open sores Appreciate your concern You're gonna stink and burn Rape me Rape me, my friend Rape me Rape me again I'm not the only one I'm not the only one I'm not the only one I'm not the only one Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me (Rape me) Rape me -Nirvana
Iunno. A few beers in, maybe parts can go fuck themselves. lol I think maybe the marathon is too long and I kinda don’t give a shit about even being in the race. I kinda just want to enjoy a beer on the sidelines and cheer my friends on, slowly destroy my liver until I die. And if I’m not in the race, then I don’t need trainers (therapists) do I? Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just need to disconnect from all that so I can give up in peace.