Mild panic attack yesterday. Lots of brother flashbacks today. Cried brushing my teeth lol. Had to tell myself to hold it together so I could show up to meetings and have a good work day and it still sucked. About halfway through the day I got stuck in a memory. Stuck in going back to my brother’s house after he passed away and cleaning up. And now that I think about it I get real dizzy.
And just like that I’m back at the bottom. It sucks cause I was pretty high up the mountain feeling good. Then my mom decided to tell me a story about their interaction w/ the twins and it just flooded my system w/ anxiety. Panic attack was next and I barely got by without self-harming. Even did some of the breathing stuff my therapist taught me, though there may have been some smoking involved lol. But right now? Just laying here staring up at the ceiling wishing for death. Feeling scared that the part of me who carries the knife is going to take it upon herself to end my suffering. She researched all sorts of methods settling on a few and drawing up internal plans in case the pain is too much. I am suffering… it’s bad… i’m desperately wanting to be alone … but also terrified of the same thing.
I’ve been in flashback mode all of yesterday and today. I keep reliving the period of time after my brother died where I cleaned up his room. I peeled back the stained sheets to reveal an even bigger deep brown stain on the mattress that was left behind…fluids leaked from his dead body I guess.
I covered it up w/ fresh sheets so the kids wouldn’t see. We’d get rid of the mattress eventually but I made his bed up nicely anyway. As I did, I could smell his scent on the soft blankets and pillows and on his clothes scattered in the room. I sat on his bed and hugged his jacket and I wanted so badly to cry, but I barely let anything out. R was downstairs and also I just couldn’t. I just sat there, numb. I stared at the small mess and piece of intubation tube left on the floor by the EMT crew when they were trying to revive him. He was long gone though. When my other brother found him, rigor mortis had already set in, he was cold.
Is this the part where I self-harm instead of googling efficient ways to die? I already talked to the crises line a bit, but I don’t really care what they have to say anymore. I feel like I have so much more pain and suffering ahead of me and it feels pretty hopeless. I’m seriously considering my exit strategy when R is gone next week. I think I need to have something on hand. I just feel so very detached from everyone.
I had a fantastic summer and really got to enjoy life and my friends in some brief moments and .. that’s all I wanted. I proved I could be successful if I wanted to… I could be on my own if i wanted… I have given so much kindness and comfort to my friends in their time of need over the past few months and I feel like… I’m done. Feel like my relationship w/ R is non-existent – I’m cold and distant from him. Kinda just want to be with my brother. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Likely I will, it’s just how I feel right now. I would love to carve up one of my limbs but I can’t. I’m expected to go have dinner w/ the kids and my parents on saturday and I’m dreading it. Don’t need to have to worry about covering up cuts as well – i guess the alternative is to find a less brutal way to kill myself before then lol.
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Surviving. Edges of a migraine, dizziness, can’t focus, can’t work. Moments where I grasp onto something happy – fleeting. Faking myself in front of others. Haven’t spoken to my crew at all – just want to isolate and wait for the pain to get so bad I have the will to do it.
Think I’ll endure one more day or just wait until R is gone… so that I can be gone too.