Woke up late. Slept too deep. Missed a meeting. But because I’m so out of it, I don’t even care. Slipping at work according to my own personal standard, but doing the best I can, given what I have to contend with.
Going to try and muster up enough energy to work out today, even if it’s just on my own.
I have to catch up on work.
I took my first dose of anti-depressant last night. I’m tired of being in pain, of feeling constantly anxious and nervous, of running away. I’m just tired; and I’m sorry for complaining so much; who would want to be around someone who complains this much?
Good thing I keep it all bottled up here lol. I might try to nap for 30 min before digging back in. Wish me luck today.
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Update. I think the anti depressant is affecting me. Can’t keep my eyes open, eyes closed my mind won’t stop racing. I feel shaky and dizzy at the same time. Gonna try and go for a short run/walk. Maybe fresh air and blood flow will help me.
I just don’t want to talk about how I feel ever again. The physical discomfort for as awful as it’s been this week is… a good distraction. That’s why it doesn’t matter. I’ll catch up to work eventually. If I just don’t think too hard about what’s going on inside, I can keep going. I know that’s not what I should be doing. I get it. But I don’t care. Physical suffering I get…. The emotional suffering is too hard, it’s too complicated… “Talk to your parts – bring them to the present.”
God fuck all of that. I don’t care. I just can’t right now. I have responsibilities and people to take care of… How the hell am I supposed to manage the internal world which isn’t even fucking real… And manage my job and actual real relationships? Doesn’t even make sense. I’m tired of “putting the work in” – maybe that makes me selfish or weak. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t need anyone else. I just want to be left alone. I’m just fucking tired.