I felt good all day. Like REALLY fucking good. I think the wellbutrin is doing it’s job. But t here are some strange side fx. I get myoclonic jerks all over my body now.. they’re subtle but annoying lol. It’s basically an involuntary muscle contraction. My recall has been complete crap but I’m not sure if it’s DID or the drug (memory issues are a potential side effect). I just struggle to remember names or words and .. even what happened a few days ago… last week is like.. impossible to remember atm… each day is so much harder to remember. It’s like there’s a wall there. But the interesting thing is… that means i’m not focusing on it. It means I’m living in the moment a little… the problem is I’m not sure if that’s what’s best. Am I running away? Are those thoughts and feelings just “gone” or are they still there… Host is just doing a great job walling them off for me? I don’t actually know.
I was just scrolling through reddit and came across this post that called out a billboard in Florida that read “Getting drunk is no excuse. She’s your daughter not your date. We’re calling out incest!” I stopped and stared at it… the post was about how ridiculous a billboard it is.. and how sad it needs to exist at all.. (and you shouldn’t be raping anyone daughter or not lol). But that’s not it. It’s what I remembered last weekend.
Thinking about it I get a twinge of fear in my chest. I don’t really know why, nothing actually happened… that I remember.
I was small… in bed. It was night time. I was curled up and had the blanket pulled all the way up to my eyes. My door was open and the hallway light was on but my light was off. I was staring at the light in the hallway and I could hear someone walking slowly towards my room. A man appeared in the doorway.. completely silhouetted, couldn’t see his face. I think maybe it was my dad but I don’t know because I don’t even know if this is real.
I pretended to be asleep. But I could sense him staring at me for this long uncomfortable moment, like he was thinking about something while staring at me. Or maybe trying to see if i was awake or not. I could feel his eyes burning a hole in me and I just felt so fucking scared. I held my eyes shut tight…i was so scared he would come in the room. So scared, but I have no idea why. I thought maybe.. the cadence and the way he was walking… that maybe he was drunk or had been drinking.
I need to run away from this. Too scary.
I don’t know what to do with that. When I tried to talk to Little that’s what i got shown. But she doesn’t want to talk… she doesn’t want to talk at all. I left her alone after that.
***
And then.. I was 16 and having sex for the first time with a guy who groomed me online. I don’t really know what that relationship was… and tbh I always dismissed it as just.. a slightly abnormal relationship but nothing too weird happened so no big deal. But lately… some of the memories from that saga of my life have been bubbling up.
When I was 14 or 15 he started sending me pornographic drawings of us together. They got more and more explicit and he was an artist so they were pretty realistic. At first I was very very uncomfortable… actually… I was always uncomfortable with it. But eventually I got used to it…and it didn’t matter because at least he made me feel wanted. It was intoxicating given how I grew up.
One day… I came home from school and turned on the computer expecting to log in and chat with him. The computer wouldn’t turn on…I looked at it for a minute and went to check the power cord. It was missing… and there was a note on the back of the computer that said “Call me – Eddie.” At this time Eddie didn’t live with us at all he was in his early 20s. He had stopped by the house to use the computer to print some things out.
I called him, “What’s going on I asked?” He said he had found the drawings that David had sent me… how I shouldn’t be looking at those and what the heck was going on? I was mortified. I told him that they were drawn by a guy at school who was obsessed with me but that I didn’t like him at all I just had no control over what he was sending me. I begged him not to tell our parents. He eventually calmed down and reluctantly said he wouldn’t tell our parents, but that I needed to put a stop to him sending me that kind of stuff or looking at it. He never did tell my parents, he died with that secret.
I was more careful. I did everything in my power to hide that relationship from everyone, I genuinely thought i loved this person and maybe I did. I don’t really know. And then he came to visit. And I remember having sex and afterwards he looked sad. And I asked what was wrong. “Well, you were really good..like you knew what you were doing, are you sure you were a virgin?” I was shocked and weirded out. At the time I had no idea why he was asking. It never once crossed my mind that virginity was sometimes fetishized in society because I was a kid and didn’t know better. Somewhat shocked I said, “Yes…I swear!”
“Well I don’t know if I believe you.. it didn’t feel like you were, there was no blood from breaking the hymen or anything…”. I was starting to get a little upset. First, this isn’t how losing your virginity works, and second I had no idea why he was so upset by this Why would I lie about that after spending two years chatting with this person online… this person who was possessive and completely took advantage of my vulnerability.
In so many ways i was still very much a kid… and this person who was 25 years older than me, took advantage of me… and then complained that i didn’t satisfy his expectations of fucking a virgin. I remember after this he constantly worried that I would leave him once I got a little older… as in 17…. So basically when I was closer to actually being an adult and not a child then? Just..
What the actual fuck.
I guess, I’m just now feeling anger for what happened. Just now realizing how very fucked up it was. It genuinely makes me nauseas now. I know it wasn’t being raped or beat… but something about that experience… just still messes with my head. It weighs on me. It’s like, all of the adults in that story failed me and that makes me feel so incredibly alone. That should not have been my first romantic experience… and it was because I was terrified of bringing up any sign that I was attracted to or wanted to date anyone at all. I was terrified of my dad’s reaction to any of that (with good reason). I guess I feel a little down on myself for falling into that relationship too. It’s embarrassing and pathetic…. but it happened because no one seemed to give a shit about me except him for most of my pre-teen/teens.
And so this one person had the perfect opportunity to fill that hole.. it just disgusts me so much when i think about it. Especially the conversation about me not being a virgin. It’s been replaying in my head lately out of no where. I have no idea why. I guess maybe a part wanted to talk about it.. maybe there’s something in the way that I felt that is just being triggered today. I’m not really sure.
And I know that in the narrative of all the shady things that happened to me, it sounds mild. But.. it wasn’t. I have all these weird feelings… like being inadequate.. not being worthy of this person sexually.. feelings of abandonment from my parents, the constant stress and strain I was under having to hide this part of myself for fear of violence towards me for years. What I missed out as a teenager because I was stuck in that relationship and on the computer most of the time. There’s just… so much crap there…. and I just don’t know what to do with it. Oh shit.. more flashbacks.. more memories….ugh.
I’m sad.