I started to fall asleep. And somewhere between sleep and awake, my brain started to flood.
20 or 30 disparate moments.. memories from age 9-12ish…and her.
The flashbacks I had a couple weeks ago… fear in that house.. and then jumping to when i was 16 and the internet predator being upset at me not meeting his expectations of a virgin… like i knew too much about sex. I thought those memories were unrelated… wasn’t sure why I was seeing them so close to one another. I feel nauseous.
In that house, I had a room in the back corner.. the same room from that fragment of me being afraid in my bed. Later – I moved into my brother Eddie’s room when he moved out. That’s why that house was hard to remember.. I kept getting confused as to what my room looked like there.
I remembered meeting my friend Jesi from down the street.. all the hangouts w/ her… riding my bike to school with her and back. Her mom eventually hanging herself…Diane. Constantly dreaming about falling off my bike, then it happening and getting a scar I still have today. The recurring dream of being chased by a giant evil teddy bear.. always running away in my dreams afraid to be caught. Getting really sick with stomach flu and throwing up/dry heaving so bad I fell off my bed and into my own sick and my mom getting fed up/upset with me and telling me to clean it all up myself. I remember never wanting to throw-up ever again.
I remember my brother Juan getting in trouble because of me.. my dad walking into his room yelling and him trying to respond through sobs.. so fucking scared.. and my dad just getting angrier and angrier until he started beating him with a belt. And I could hear every single snap. I could hear him crying as I listened through the wall because our rooms were next to each other. I cried because it wasn’t fair because I didn’t want that at all and I was so scared and wanted him to stop and was crying in my own room asking him…. please stop even though I don’t think he could hear me.. but after he got done w/ my brother my dad came to my room after and I sat there in tears horrified and he and said.. something like.. that’s what you get for whining. I must have cried about something my brother said or did.. and so it was my fault my dad beat him. I’m so sorry Juan. That’s why he hated me. He got in trouble because of me. He hated me. It wasn’t fair to either of us.
One time my mom was in that small room in the basement drawing on a big piece of newsprint.It was the only time I saw her draw like this.. it was lovely. My memories about the structure of the house returned. The layout is much clearer now. I had some pet parakeets there.. my first pets. One died because he was running around the house and ate mouse poison behind my brother’s bed. First pet death I remember the little blue body. My brother Eddie found him and I remember how sweet and sad he was to tell me. This was before he moved out. I made little paper tombstone for him and buried him in the back yard.
I played in my room by myself when we moved not as much with my dolls anymore but I had a ton of barbies my mom had picked up from garage sales. Had a lot of cool stuff actually including a little barbie house. I remember the glow of the yellow lamp in that room as I played in the evenings. One time my cousin was over and I tried to play with her stuff and she bit me lol. My cousins were over a lot back then.
And then while I was remembering all of this.. I asked if Matrix was there and… she was.
I remembered as I got older in this house I started to feel more and more numb. I remember feeling flat.. all the time. Quiet and flat. I felt disconnected from my body a lot of the time. By the time we left his house I felt nothing, and rarely spoke at all.
Matrix doesn’t speak. She just shows me things and points. Her hair is long and covers most of her face but it’s not unkempt like Silent’s. Her posture is meek.. small… shoulders hunched over like trying to shrink from the world. She always looks down.
I asked her.. if there was anything she wanted to show me. But instead I found myself in her room. I asked her if she wanted to play with barbies and she nodded yes.. so we did that for a moment. And then i told her.. it was okay if she showed me other things too.. she could show me anything and it would be okay i wouldn’t be scared. She said nothing.
Then she showed me the labyrinth. The maze, this is a mental construct, alluding to the locked door I have been unable to open. I asked her.. do you want to show me what’s there? It’s okay…
Maybe I should have waited to say all of this in person but.. part of me is writing it down so I don’t forget. I’m still dizzy but .. I’m going to try anyway.
I was in that house.. the basement… in that unfinished room. My cousins were over. My cousin Alex asked me to meet him in that room. I found him there. I can’t remember if this was the same memory or not. But I remember him kissing me. I remember how soft his lips were and what he smelled like.
There was a towel laid out on the concrete floor. He asked me to lay on it. I didn’t want to but.. for some reason I did. Or maybe he coerced me, I don’t really know.
The rest of this.. I can’t be sure.. it feels real.. i don’t know. I still am not sure if it is Alex.. or someone else.. but in this iteration.. it felt like alex…
I remember him asking me to take my pants off.. and underwear. I don’t know if I did or if he pulled them down but they were down. My shirt stayed on, he wasn’t interested in anything except my lower half…the part that’s always used.
I remember him fondling me as he lay next to me as he liked to do. I remember being scared that we were going to get caught or in trouble. But everyone was upstairs chatting away. I remember he unzipped/buttoned his pants… and then he was on top of me. I remember him rubbing himself against me and then eventually sliding his penis between my labia. I don’t think he ever penetrated me. Maybe he did I can’t really remember. I don’t even know if it felt good or if I got aroused – or if that was even possible at that age. I just remember the sensation being really weird. But after a few moments.. he came on me. I didn’t know what it was. I had no clue, because I think I was 10 or 11 and just had no idea. Alex was a little older than me a year-ish I think, but a lot bigger than me.
I remember him wiping me off with the towel or a sock from the laundry room around the corner maybe? I remember sliding my panties and pants back on as soon as he was off of me and laying there quietly as he lay next to me. Eventually we got up he balled up the towel and either tossed it in the corner or back in the laundry room. And we both exited the dank little room with no one the wiser.
I asked Matrix… if she felt dirty… because it’s what I was feeling in recounting all of this. She looked down as usual and nodded yes.
I always wore boyish clothes if I could at this age. I always dressed down and tried to hide my body as much as possible. I had my first period not much time after this… in that same house. And shortly after that.. we moved about 25-30min east to a much nicer neighborhood. My cousins visited maybe one more time but I don’t think Alex came with them. After that we rarely saw them.
I wrote this down because.. it felt real when I was remembering it. But the mind has a way of covering things up. Already it feels fake. Already it’s faded and doubt is creeping in. Already I feel like I’m making everything up.
I’m scared.
I looked at Matrix and told her I was proud of her for sharing and asked her if she wanted to join us at the house with everyone else and what kind of room she wanted.
She wanted a room that looked like Eddie’s old room from that house, she wanted his bed and the way it smelled. Even though that house holds so many awful memories, that’s what she wanted, so that’s what I gave her.
:'(