I am an ice queen this week. I read through some emails I sent out last week and holy crap it doesn’t even sound like me… esp the one to my lawyer about my brother and handling clerical things… so fucking clinical and precise. I amaze myself all the time at how obvious the switches are and I never realized haha.
I’ve also been piling on the social engagement and activities. I’m trying to keep myself busy and be better about supplements and meds – its helped immensely with stabilizing my mood. And yet I struggle quite a bit with sleeping… with the internal pain and screams and crying. I turn a little bit of a blind eye because I feel like dealing with it would break me down again and I am just so tired of being knocked down and having to pick myself back up. And yet I can’t help but crave the physical pain that mirrors that – whether it’s from soccer or strength training or binge drinking – I want to be hurt. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling that way.
But even with all that, there have been some really good things. I haven’t really self harmed (cut specifically) in about two months now even though, I’ve thought about it many times. Looking at the scars are good enough for me. And, I had some really meaningful conversations. Colleagues at work gave me feedback on my workshop which was cool.
One of my colleagues said, “Wow, you really are a pro at that!” – that he had run some workshops in the past, but was super impressed with my organization and energy and the overall experience. I was taken aback, because for months I’ve felt like a failure. Like I’m lazy, and phoning it in… and my zest for it has kind of died. And then I even got this note from another colleague yesterday.
It broke through my icy shell and really stirred something in me. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that because I don’t usually respond to people’s compliments in that way. I normally brush them aside because well I don’t feel like I’m doing that great. It was a nice moment.
Another nice moment was with my friend from my group chat. We had a bit of a heart to heart and she expressed that sometimes she feels like when she expresses care for me I come off a little guarded. I hadn’t even realized… and then we talked about it and I thought about it and it started to make sense. Here’s a snippet from that conversation:
If anything it proves the strength of our relationship and ability to talk about hard things and process through them; but also my ability to grow… to persevere beyond where I’m at now. To make gainful insights and use them to inform my own behavior… and eventually to change for the better.
I know I’m tired… but I’m still here. I’m still trying, I’m still getting back up. Even through the pain and suffering I am starting to believe there’s likely a reason. And maybe I won’t know what that reason is for many years and you know what? I’m really okay with that and I want to be here to find out.