I am in so much pain I can’t even quantify it. It’s been a while since I’ve had to endure this much emotional turmoil. It feels almost as bad as my brother dying all over again. I don’t know how I’m still here. The only thing that feels a little better is cutting and im even struggling to do that. I’m just laying here in pain wishing I could just be dead. I can’t get suicide out of my head. All I can think about is killing myself and how I don’t really give a fuck about anyone who will be affected. Everyone will be fine. If they’re aren’t well they can join me – what will I care? World blows anyway.
I’m praying for the courage to end it or to keep going with minimal pain. Likely I’ll be too weak to do it so I just get to suffer – I must deserve it – no other reasons to imagine why I get to endure this. And if that’s the case – I’m just going to cut everyone out of my life. I can’t rely on anyone to really be there for me except myself – so why would I need anyone around then??? lol
I’ll figure it out myself and the worst that can happen is I ruin my life which is fine cause… just more reasons to be done. *shrug*.
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I tried some grounding methods but the pain won’t go away. Why won’t it just end? If this goes on tomorrow I don’t know what I’ll do – I’m just in so much pain and no one gives a shit cause they don’t get it. Why can’t this all just be over for me? Why?? Please don’t let me wake up tomorrow like this. I’m begging.
Last update for a day I spent on and off crying and stuck in bed. Just found out my friend who recently visited… her FIL was just murdered by her BIL. Triggering AF – but I’ll say it again. This world blows.