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Feeling off today. Dinner with folks last night went okay but when I got home, I could tell Parts were uncomfortable with how easily I fell into my old self around them. Part’s weren’t happy. I got high and had some really wild waking dreams and dissociation. But eventually I got a space where I was able to think through some work things – which I am particularly stressed out about.

I worked from 8pm-1am and had a crappy night’s sleep because of stress. My neck is still messed up but on the opposite side now – esp after getting checked really hard by a 300 lb dude this last soccer game. Sometimes when I get hit like that parts get upset. stupid tho.

But it sucks that I actually straight up forgot my chiropractor appt. because I was so caught up in work yesterday. Work has been difficult and I’m trying to manage it and not fall apart. I just need to be alone …

And now my brother is texting me. I love how he starts his conversations with the most accusatory tone.

“Did you not talk to Casey about the dates for Florida?!” Sorry, no I haven’t been able to get around to it. Also Casey just had Covid so I was giving her some space to heal. I did talk to her a month or two ago about Florida in general before we had dates and she said they can go, just to avoid their birthday week. So I assumed when we did tell her the dates it would be no big deal. Also it’s still almost two months away.

I’m trying not to fall apart here. I calmed my parts down earlier w/ the work anxiety and told them not to get so up in arms about it. To remember it’s not our job to manage other’s feelings. It’s also not a reflection of all the hard work we have been doing as evidenced by the promotion I’m expected to receive in the Fall.

I spent some of the afternoon reading about Ukraine/Russia conflict. Shit is sad. Everything is sad. I’m sad. I started thinking about DID and that maybe it’s all just fake. Maybe people just want me to believe it’s real so I’ll keep going to therapy. We, I, Me.. doesn’t matter.

Maybe no one has my best interest in mind and I should just change everything up. Leave home and just become a nomad. I don’t need anyone, just me, a laptop, and the internet.

I’m trying so hard to manage parts and not just sink into a hole – but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone or being seen. Make it all go away please. No time for me or art or being. I just want to hide.

***

Racing thoughts and then lots of dissociation just sitting here. I laid down for 10 min and kept waking up to flashbacky stuff. Like getting hit or ..just things.. that are wrong and scary. Not sure why I’m so dizzy and scared. Stuck in emotional flashback I guess. Oh well.

It’s your fault. You can’t do anything right. It’s all on you. Why can’t you just do it the right way? Why are you so stupid. Why are you so weak? It’s not hard, just step up and quit whining. No taking naps that’s for lazy people. You deserve to be smacked around until you learn. How many times do I have to tell you... I’ll give you something to cry about. If you can’t handle it you might as well be dead. You’re worth nothing unless you can perform.

We have to run. It’s going to hurt. Hide. Run. Hide.

Do you remember when you went over to your parent’s after that really bad car accident and your face was scabbed up because of the airbag burn on your cheek? Remember how hard the airbag hit and that it made you remember how hard your dad hit you? And every-time you get hit like that you remember? Remember when you were at their house and your dad brought up that your cousin told him about your tattoo and he got so mad and began pacing and the absolute terror you felt.. and remember… you remember?

You .. ran. out. of. the. house… you ran… and hid behind the bushes in a neighbors back yard… you were in your 20s but you felt like you were small and you just had to run and hide. You sat there frozen crying and the lady who you didn’t even know came out and saw your face and she looked concerned and i apologized for being on her property and i left… and your brother Juan picked you up and didn’t believe that you’d been in a car accident… he never believed that your dad hit you either.. no one ever believes what you say because you’re worthless. Just run..

Hide.