I’ve been making some major strides, the kind of growth that has been painfully earned with blood, sweat, and tears. I wanted to take a moment to blog about a few of these insights so that I don’t forget. <3
Boundaries (+1)
I’m learning to set better boundaries around my time. Just how much is spent on certain things like work and social relationships. Not just time but spoons or care. I can only give so much and I really tapped out yesterday. It left me emotionally numb the next day. I learned that, I need dedicated time for me and rich, but more importantly, for myself. That time with myself, my system, is possibly the most important relationship for me to prioritize.
Confidence (+1)
I’m starting to see the pattern. That I might flounder around and not quite know why Im on the path I am, but eventually I make the decisions that get me on the right path. I’m learning to talk to my parts and calm them down. To use the same skills I use with my friends, on my parts – and this has built a ton of confidence for my system as a whole. It’s a lot to manage, but I’m getting better at it and I hope I just get better and better. <3
Suicidality (+1)
I reflect on my commitment to live a lot. When my mood tanks, it’s sometimes hard for my parts not to take me back to that place as part of a coping mechanism I’ve used for years. Today I had a moment of levity after an intense workout. How many workouts have I gone to? How much effort have I poured into trying to take care of this body? If I kill myself… I’ll have wasted all that hard work. lol It made me mad and also laugh on my way home from the gym.
Point being, I’ve achieved a lot, despite why or how it even happened, I should be proud of the effort I put in all these years. I started to see what a huge waste of talent, creativity, sheer human potential it would be. I’d be betraying all the fucking hard work it took for me to survive to this point in the first place. It makes me feel a little shame but… I’m trying to have grace for those feelings and to instead be proud of myself that I keep making the good decisions… the best decisions to actually honor that effort – honor us.
I know that my parts have just tried to protect me presenting suicidality as an option, a last resort, and I’m thankful for their care, but I think this is one of those moments that I kinda get what Ben is talking about. I’m starting to see the truth of the situation, that parts were just scared and trying to help me the only way they knew how. But now that I see it, I can acknowledge those feelings of theirs, and I can offer my parts some other options. Ones that aren’t based on throwing away all of our hard work. 30+ years of hard work. Shit, I am tearing up and suddenly feel love for my parts and what they’ve done for me, instead of shame about the suicidality…
To my system: I love you guys, all of you. <3 Thank you. :’) I know I have a lot more to learn, but I hope you can trust me to keep us safe and make decisions that are best for all of us. <3 <3 <3