Bad dream. Which is putting it mildly. Flashback and dreams are coming back really fast now that I’ve gotten a little space back in my head.
I wasn’t feeling too good today. Another headache. I probably need to ask a doctor about it cause this is pretty unusual for me. Still, I’m trying to avoid taking any medication for it because it can lead to rebound headaches. So, instead I decided maybe some sleep.
The dreamscape went downhill fast. I dreamt that I was resting at home watching TV, but all that was on were two shows. As I watched them I got transported into them. The first was straight up horror porn and I’m struggling to wrap my head around what I saw. The second, is a distorted dream, a reenactment, about something that happened to me a while ago.
***
Show #1:
I was in a facility. A man explained to me, that I should, no I needed, to watch this show because it was going to be awesome. He was old and grimy and I got the creeps from him. I wasn’t wrong. I was both watching the show and in a way my presence was in this room. It was a clinical looking blue room with white floor tiles. Not super clean, not super dirty. There was a bed w/ sheet and a pillow but otherwise bare. The weirded part of the room was the contraption; like a power rack or rig over the entire bed (four metal posts and pulleys and ropes).
Four women were brought into this room each wearing a worn hospital grown; each w/ a bag over their heads. Their hands were bound and the bag around their heads were tied off at the neck. You couldn’t see their faces, except for the youngest girl. She was somewhere between the ages of 12 and 15. For a moment the “host” showed her face before putting a bag over it and telling her to get on the bed. She looked scared. The fourth woman was sitting against the wall, cowering and terrified, as if she knew what was going to happen and couldn’t bear to watch. In this dream, I sometimes switched places w/ her perspective.
The setup, was that they strung a couple of ropes around the neck of a woman who was seated at the foot of the bed on the floor, and then wrapped the ropes around the next woman’s neck, who they suspended/hung from the rig choking her, the rope went into a pulley system and down towards the bed. The ropes were then wrapped around the young girls knees – each knee separately wrapped. There was enough slack in the rope that the young girl was curled up with her hands bound and her knees together.
Once the setup was in place, the woman being hung was squirming, suffocating to death while the woman on the ground somehow knew that she had to keep the rope between her and the hanging woman taught, else it might choke herself, or worse, it would lead to something bad happening to the young girl on the bed. So the woman on the floor tried to keep hold of the ropes for as long as possible, in the process hanging the woman who was suspended, the decision she had to make was awful (hang this woman or let something awful happen to the young girl, she opted to try and protect the young girl), she continued until she didn’t have any strength anymore and gave up… the hanging woman, likely dead, dropped to the floor. And the woman on the floor passed out.
The failure resulted in the ropes pulling at the young girls knees…spreading them apart and locking her in that position on the bed. After that, a monster entered the room, it looked like a beast, a lot like the alien from predator, but bigger, beefier, and with animal like legs and cloven feet. The monster had a massive erection and came towards the young girl on the bed who was spread apart and unable to move out of that position. You could hear her whimper, as she was able to somewhat see through the bag over her face. The woman in the corner of the room was crying louder in terror, shaking and trying to cover her face.
The beast raped the young girl and in this dream and I could feel it, I could hear the young girl’s cries and then I stopped watching because it was too much.
***
Show #2:
I changed channels to watch something else. But it was just as fraught with disturbing imagery. I got transported into the image of a city at night. Suddenly I found myself walking down the sidewalk in a sketchy part of town. I was trying to get home, to Rich, but I was drunk and I was carrying too many things. A large plush, my purse, my phone, a blanket. And weirdly enough I had only a long shirt on and no pants or shoes.
I was cold and scared, I hid from headlights that flicked past when the occasional car drove by. And then, too disoriented and tired, I collapsed on the sidewalk. I sat with all of my things worn and upset. I needed someone to help me carry all of my stuff and get me to safety but I was too out of it. I dug into my purse to find my phone and to call Rich when I saw two young men down the sidewalk heading towards me.
They seemed like they were just joking with each other and maybe wouldn’t hurt me, but I was still scared and I knew they saw me. As they came closer they started teasing me and as one made fun of me the other tried to take one of my things. I snapped at them to leave me alone, but it didn’t matter. One stole my purse and the other the plush I was holding… I got up and tried to quickly walk down the street towards the apartment complex (a tall building) that apparently Rich lived in. I called him on my phone and he answered and I told him through tears that these two guys stole my things and that I was alone and scared and to please quickly help. Suddenly he emerged from the apartment complex. He saw the two guys and confronted them and got my purse and plush back and this is where it got weird.
These two guys were a lot younger than us, like maybe early teenagers. Once I had my purse back from the guy, I actually ran up to him and tackled him onto the grass and began to hurt him. I was on top of him, and I held him down with all of my body weight – I was heavier. I pressed my knee into his back and I secured one of his arms behind him. With my other hand free, this “me”, actually clawed at his junk and started squeezing it.. hard with my nails… at first the kid got weirdly turned on as I held him down. I could feel him get erect through his jeans, but then it started to hurt him and he started to cry out in pain but I didn’t care. This me wanted to crush him.
Then, I woke up.
***
I woke up into the real world. Rich woke me up asking if I needed anything because he was going to go out for a second. I was super disoriented. My head hurt. I said no and as soon as he left I started to cry pretty intensely. Mostly because I started thinking about the imagery. Especially of the first dream, being choked and fucked without control. I don’t know why this imagery keeps coming back to me because I don’t have a specific memory of being chocked and raped. I have been raped and I have been choked during sex but as an adult and at separate times… I think. But my brain keeps trying to tell me that maybe something like that happened when I was really young – I just have no memory of it – but for it to keep coming back… it’s so scary and it hurts. I cried really hard.
The second thing is that, show #2 is basically a reenactment of what happened to me about 10 years ago. I got drunk at a concert. But not just regular drunk. I had a huge bottle of hydrocodone that was given to me by an urgent care doc for a sore throat the previous week. I had taken some of that before the concert (and maybe during? apparently I wanted to get fucked up – wish granted) and drank a few cocktails. I left the concert early realizing how incredibly drunk I was – the room was spinning.
I remember walking down the street, towards the apartment of a guy I was dating at the time, Andrew. He lived in the city and I thought maybe if I could make it to his apartment – I would be safe. But, along the way two scraggly men appeared out of no where. I remember they looked at me like I was a piece of meat. I had no reaction because I was so fucked up. They were laughing and joking and staring at me and maybe asking me questions. And then they realized how incredibly out of it I was and they took advantage. I remember one of them came up to me and gently lifted my purse off of my shoulder and I just watched as he did it because I was scared inside, but outside I was completely emotionally dead and disoriented – I could barely stand up. I said nothing, I did nothing I just watched them pilfer through my purse and then disappear with it.
My purse had my car keys in it. It had my wallet, everything. I luckily had my phone in my pocket and that didn’t get stolen because to be honest I don’t know where I would have ended up that night without it. I called Andrew, who found me drunk sitting on the sidewalk. He was concerned and upset at my condition and when I told him my purse got stolen. He drove around a little looking for the guys, but we never saw them so he eventually took me back to his place.
I remember crawling into bed with him. Later, we had sex, I think I probably initiated it I don’t really remember. But, immediately afterwards, I had a panic attack. He freaked out, he didn’t know what to do. He got me a glass of water, I got back in bed and we went to sleep.
I left really early the next morning without telling him. And I remember walking up the street with nothing but my phone and sitting in the concrete recess of a big window on the side of a building. I wrote Ben, who was my therapist at the time an email about it, I don’t even know what I told him.
Somehow I made it home, I think either AAA helped me with my car or I somehow paid for a Taxi. Andrew, never talked to me again after that.
Show #2 was basically that event.
There’s more here but I’m going to leave it at this for now. I’m pretty shaken up.