And just like that you realize how much you’ve grown as a person. Yeah, I still have a lot of room to grow but it’s crazy how this journey to understanding myself, DID and all, has just led to a wholly better understanding of not just the new “me” and what that means but also how this new version of me relates to others. I’m better able to see them, understand them, and provide better support and it’s leading to deeper connections.
I’m also able to know my boundaries better so that I can take a step back when I don’t have the room to give that level of support. I’m getting better at expressing love too and so I’m able to care for people more deeply. It’s an amazing feeling and one I got to experience in spades tonight. As a result, I feel more awake and alive than I have in a very long time; it’s quite moving and I’m even on the verge of tears thinking about it. I feel like my heart is growing in a way I didn’t think was even possible a year ago. Fuck, that’s beautiful.
***
Sunday.
I woke up with a little headache. I swear I’ll get into see the doc soon about this because having migraine/tension headaches off and on for two weeks straight is pretty debilitating. But, it is what it is, and I had a soccer game today. I’ll be honest in that I haven’t been super excited about playing because a couple people on the team are pretty salty when we don’t win – and that just makes a league that’s supposed to be fun – not super fun. lol Still, I knew they didn’t have any women to play so I showed up anyway since I committed to the season.
Unfortunately, we had no female subs, so I ended up having to play all 40 minutes. The other team was one of the ridiculous ones stacked w/ current young college pros haha – so we got slaughtered; but I was proud of my own performance and so had a good time! Afterwards, Brandon, my buddy who is also on the team invited Rich and I out for drinks with a few of our other friends, Josh and Greg.
We met up at Chicken and Pickle so we could be outside and enjoy the weather. It was gorgeous weather! Even though I had a bit of a headache coming back, I enjoyed some light drinks and we just hung out and chatted. As the night went on, I noticed there was some tension among these three guys.
You see, they and my friends Kelsey and Tyler (married), had all been friends since childhood. They all lived on the same street and grew up together. Rich and I were the newcomers here to a degree. I met Josh and Tyler when they were 16 and I was in my early 20’s as they came to play video games with the rest of my college friends weekly. They were sort of the “younger” gamer generation in our big circle of gaming friends. But they’re pretty much some of the sweetest most earnest guys I know and of all my male gamer friends, these guys have never tried to make a move on me or made me feel unsafe – which unfortunately I can’t say for the rest of the group. So it’s been nice, since I moved back to KC, to get to know them a bit better. Back to the evening.
The topics got heavy. Josh is black and has some experiences I think he struggles with talking about because he feels like people can’t relate to him. I thanked him for being honest and I didn’t get to talk to him as much because Brandon kept pulling him aside for one on one heart to hearts – but I def want to come back to that another time.
I spent more time chatting with Greg, because I hadn’t seen him in a while and I know he sometimes feels overlooked. Kelsey and Greg have recently, over the summer at a bonfire/party I had, come out to me as being non-binary and gay respectively. They haven’t broken this news to the rest of the friend group or their families – so there’s some anxiety and painful feelings there too. Couple that with the fact Kelsey wants to move out of the state because they have the perception they can start over and be more authentic by doing so. Greg is scared to lose one of his most trusted friends and he feels that Kelsey has plenty of room here to be their authentic self. Josh doesn’t know about any of this other than the moving, and is doing the classic “push away” and detach so you don’t get hurt maneuver. There were just… a lot of feelings running hot and they were drinking so… it was a lot.
I talked to them, supported, validated, tried to get them to both have grace for themselves and their feelings (because there were tears) but also for their friends. I talked to them about how scary it can be to be your authentic self, trust me, I know that feeling very well! I explained some of my own perspective and how I know people around you can sometimes say or do things that might make us think they won’t be able to accept us… but… if you know they really love you… trust me, they’ll come around. It’s not about them handling it perfectly when you first speak your truth, it takes time. But it’s important to allow loved ones the same grace to grow into understanding and accepting this new version of you – that you’ve got to give yourself, right? And I was pretty proud of the fact that I could see it like this. That, because of my experiences, I was able to meet them where they’re at and provide, what I feel like is really solid support and care for people who really deserve it. And it was a reflection of how much I’ve grown too. Both in my understanding of people, relationships, love, care, and connection but also in seeing that tiny spark – the person Ben keeps talking about who I’ll become when I get through this. Shit, tearing up. Because, I think maybe I saw a glimmer of her tonight and you’re right, that person is really special.
I’m a little overwhelmed. I’m feeling both a twinge of shame for how suicidal I’ve been but also a lot of pride for having made it this far. And happy that I am able to love and support people in this way when they really need it. It feels like the ultimate expression of humanity, if that’s not too bold and I’m really grateful to have experienced it – to have been allowed into this circle of trust and be a part of it.
***
One more thing, earlier that day I got the opportunity to do some more processing around my cat Falco who recently passed. We received a letter from the University of Missouri which was odd. The letter was actually about Falco! A few weeks prior we received a really beautiful note from our regular vet, a surprise since we had taken Falco to an emergency vet where he passed. So we assume they let our regular vet know. But on top of the hand-written note, our vet also made a wonderful donation on Falco’s behalf!
I read it and cried a little, but also felt a lot of love there too and happiness that his death had meaning – that someone wrote about him and cared enough to send a letter. And the moment was important because it gave me hope for maybe being able to feel this way about my brother one day too. There’s still a lot of pain there; but something Ben told me a long time ago when I first started this journey. That maybe this is his gift to me… I knew it could be the case but it was hard to see in the middle of the storm. But maybe…the person that emerges out from all of this.. will be a person my brother would have been proud to know and ultimately proud to have in his kids’ life. One can only hope.