Went for Sativa tonight. Needed to make real progress on my proto. Sometimes there’s no in-between. I either don’t give a fuck about anything and I’m cool as a cucumber or I’m extremely stressed out and convinced I’m going to get fired.
In either scenario I end up two days before a deadline slamming things together in an attempt to make up for all the inability to focus time I wasted the past six months. Typically it works but oh I suffer with lack of sleep due to crazy adrenaline spikes. This is normal for most people right???
I took more than I normally do. Got crazy laughs before plunging head first into work. I disappeared talking to friends and just told them “Sorry, I got lost in pixel doom.”
Before that I had a cry over looking through my brothers phone. Got real floaty. My friend helped me back down but I hate that I can’t control the spike in grief emotions at times and at others I can talk about it like I talk about the weather. Completely emotionless. Is that what DID is? Is that what they mean?
I’m still pretty high. I don’t want to acknowledge fragmentation. Leave me alone. It’s not okay if I do. Why did you tell me this. I want to go home away from the battle ground. I’m not fast enough to outrun all the responsibility. Going to trip and fall and ruin everything. Maybe I shouldn’t trust myself. Maybe we are all doomed. Maybe this is not my reality but the one I shouldn’t have lived and some where out there is the right one – if I could only just get a glimpse.
Nothing is wrong though. We meet, and see, and pretend and it’s all okay. Just ignore who he is and be what he always wanted. Remember you were born to be used. Don’t forget Jess – you belong to me.
***
Can’t sleep singing in my head…
You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy When skies are grey You'll never know, dear How much I love you Please, don't take my sunshine away
I can hear a woman crying after singing that and then it starts again… hush… hush…
Do you think my soul is sick?