All week I was sick (tummy troubles and I’ll spare you the deets lol), lets just say I feel like I lost 1/2 my body weight this week. lol It was bad and as I was starting to feel better, I got my period a full freaking week early, which is random, means my hormones are outta wack and explains all the aura/migraine this week. So up until Friday when I got my second negative covid test I was thinking of canceling a party we intended to have Saturday evening.
I had invited my friends over for a Holiday themed dinner party where I was going to serve tamales, rice, with salsa and brews as my gift to my friends for this year. I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, so I went for this instead.
I’m glad I didn’t cancel. Finally, I woke up Saturday morning and felt good! I even wrote for about an hour – working on a new short story which I’ll post here eventually (it’s a project I’m really excited about).
My mom offered to help me cook because I didn’t want any tangible gifts this year – so this was her birthday gift to me. I spent a little time over there at her place cooking and it wasn’t too bad other than watching my dad order her around the room.
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As a side note, I was recently reminded about how he cheated on her about seven years back… and how she refused to cook for him for like six months and how she told me that he cried like a baby when they were discussing it because of how ashamed he was. I believe it, but I also believe it doesn’t really matter. He only tries to change when someone catches him in his bullshit.
I also remembered that I was the one who had to tell my mom over the phone that he was cheating on her. My brother’s had both called me in Texas unsure of what to do. My brother J was the one who figured it out. We had cameras at work, and my brother reviewed some footage that showed some pretty damning things in regards to a lady at work. The evidence was difficult to deny. And my brother was angry so he confronted my dad who is a horrible liar by the way, but didn’t know what to do about our mom. My brother Eddie was oddly forgiving towards my dad about the whole thing – maybe because he and Casey had quite the rocky relationship as well – I don’t know. It was really strange – I don’t think I ever actually processed that because asides from reaching out to my current T once over it, I didn’t really have anyone back then. I’m having a hard time remembering how I said it – in fact now that I think about it, I don’t remember at all lol. I just remember her saying “what?” in an angry and shocked way over the phone after I told her. I can’t remember anything after that.
So my point in all this – is that it’s interesting to observe just how much things have returned to their same old unhealthy patterns. I wish I was surprised.
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Saturday night arrived and we had a fantastic turnout. Almost all my good friends showed up to the party, a couple had conflicts, but there were about 20ish adults there and some kiddos. We ate some delicious food, did a fun little charity auction, sang some songs and were very merry haha.
The best part? Towards the end of the evening. Rich surprised me with a birthday cake… and the whole room sang to me. I’ve never had that many people sing happy birthday to me at one time in my entire life. While they were singing I could feel… emotions… breaking free. I guess when I’m hosting/partying with friends.. I’m typically AC or Host (deviant) or a blend of those parts – who are relatively unfeeling – but sure play the part. I held back my emotions and blew out the candles quickly. I don’t even think I made a wish but the cake was fantastic and my stomach that had been in knots all week, felt good. 🙂
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This morning I sat in bed thinking about it. I started to cry. It was such a sweet moment at end of a rough week – a rough god damn year. And as I sat there crying, I was trying so hard to figure out why I was crying. Because, I felt pain, but I didn’t know why. I think in a lot of ways love is painful. But especially for someone like me who struggles to want to live sometimes – to know that people care enough to spend time with me – means a lot; but it also hurts – why does it hurt?
Is it because it means people want me? And to be wanted or needed feels burdensome? It comes with attachment and… attachment hurts. Not to mention being seen or heard also hurts and I was center spotlight for a few moments. And yet, a part of me wanted it, I could feel little me all excited and happy even if other adult parts were bashful and shy about the whole thing.
As a kid and teenager I struggled to have many friends because I always felt so different and because we moved every few years. I know part of it was that I didn’t want to have to put the effort in to fake being like the others so that I could have a bunch of shallow friends. So I would typically make one or two friends with people who were a lot like me – complicated backgrounds and difficulty connecting with others. And though some of those people very much liked me, often the friendships weren’t super healthy. We were friends out of circumstance and I would let people treat me poorly, gloss over their character flaws (usually owing to their own interpersonal issues), just so I could have one or two companions and not be completely alone.
But here I am at 37 in a room filled with people who I know well and are so sweet and kind and beautiful. Shit, that really is moving isn’t it? And those that couldn’t be there? I know they love me too. Like hell, I am lucky aren’t I? And so, as I was thinking about it this morning there was even a little shame mixed in there for wanting to kill myself when I’ve got so much warmth in my life. And you know, it’s not like every one of these people are my closest friends. No, but many of them are actually really good people. Good people who one day I wouldn’t mind sharing more of my story with and whom I wouldn’t feel embarrassed about doing so because I was careful about who I let into my inner circle these past few years. No one is perfect but that’s okay – I don’t need them to be.
You see, I am the kind of friend that would bend over backwards for someone, who always wants to hear about your day, who wants to celebrate your accomplishments and support you when things don’t work out. Who wants you to share your billion pictures of your kids or your pets w/ me (no matter how excessive I might find it haha) – because I know it makes you happy and that warms my heart. And I also love being a source of advice, to be considered wise or have enough common sense that people want to listen to my perspective. That’s really humbling and I love doing that for people. I love sharing all of this with my friends and I hope they feel that.
And the nice thing is, I don’t necessarily need that back from people anymore because I am starting to be able to give that warmth and love to myself, but also because I have a select few loved ones who do provide that for me. And that’s all I really need. The rest is just icing on the cake. <3