That’s what I am trying to be. I just… for some reason really want to disappear. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be social. I just want to do my job and be at home and make art and hang out w/ my animals and that’s it. I have had so many thoughts roll around in my head the last few days. A lot of powerful and painful ones… and a lot more analytical.
For example, I started thinking about why I don’t like being complimented. I started thinking about why I don’t like showing affection to Rich… why is there a barrier between he and I?
You know what I feel right now? Shame. For existing. I’ve been feeling that way since I got home.. and for some reason even worse after I had that interaction with meds. Shame for “acting” like I have DID. Pretending I have alters. I don’t even know if that’s true.. maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Either way I just feel shame about it. I don’t really know why. Woke up w/ a lot of anxiety and self-hate today. Just woke up that way… a craving for self harm.. even carrying around a blade just in case I decide to give in.. no the smartest I know.
The reason i don’t like showing affection to Rich is because I don’t want him to think I’m “too” in love with him. Yeah… isn’t that horrible? But it’s because I was infatuated with my ex… I felt safe with him… to a point I revealed more of myself than…i think i had to anyone. Barring the older david i “dated” when i was 14/15.
You know I don’t remember much of that relationship. Just that I met his daughter and she said i looked really young… he tried to pass me off as 18. I was 14…….. that’s fucked up.
What’s wrong with me? Why did I do all that? What’s wrong with me?
Everything.
Maybe I’m finally breaking down. I’m not sure what’s going on… maybe increased meds is bad for me. Maybe I am bad? All I know is… I’ve been very confused today. Had trouble speaking clearly.. lot of stuttering and unfinished thoughts… I wonder what’s wrong with me? I can’t keep my thoughts straight and I’m not really sure why.
I laid down.. woke up because i had a feeling.. an image of my dad having sex with a young version fo me against my will. Except I don’t think it was him.. can’t have been, right? Maybe someone else… maybe not at all..
Maybe I should just die… like deviant said. That’s what she wants. I can’t even feel sad today even though I am. Deep down. I think the drugs are preventing my sadness … but it’s there.. and its making me crazy cause i can’t feel it like i used to. Maybe I should just die?
I don’t actually want to.. I just don’t want to exist. I want to shrink into obscurity. I want no one to know who I am. I dont want anyone to acknowledge that I exist. It hurts to exist.. or to be seen.. because then i’m pitied and i start feeling like a victim and I’m not… i’m fine. Everything is fine. Nothing happened that I need to worry about. I just need to float away…
***
i just hate myself so much. I don’t want to exist. I am ashamed of my behavior. i hate that i have any emotional needs at all.
my friend just suggested that i had bpd.. after saying that people with bpd felt “off” to her. We worked it out.. but.. i just feel like it’s more firewood for the fire. I am the worst. Building that self-hatred fire nice and high. I’m just so ashamed of existing, my behavior in therapy.. having “alters” at all.. i don’t want to anymore. i just want to go back to being silent… quiet… obedient.
i have been fighting sh’ing for days… i don’t think ill be able to avoid it tonight… it won’t be too bad. and i’m ashamed for even wanting to… but what difference does it make? i’m a pos anyway.. who cares if i wreck my body – it doesn’t matter.
It didn’t matter then, and it doesn’t matter now. I never mattered. I still don’t.
I’m okay accepting that. I need to rip the band aid off and stop going to therapy. I don’t deserve that level of kindness. I deserve all of the pain i feel and more. its fine .. just need to stay quiet.