I had an opportunity to have some quiet time to myself. Rich is in another room recovering from Covid and trying not to get me sick. I felt off all day today. Just couldn’t quite leave this deep sadness and despair behind no matter what I did… I even laughed and enjoyed some nice moments with my friend but it didn’t matter…. it lingered.
I decided to reach out to her…(deviant). I turned all the lights off. It was 2am. I put my headphones in and played my usual meditative binaural beats and I went inside.
So far, she’s always there.. in the blackness. She doesn’t stay with the rest of my alters, just in the void. Yesterday, when in session, she showed herself to me. I was terrified by what I saw. She is a triple amputee, sickly, worn, unkempt… she hurts immensely physically and emotionally from the lack of care given to her.
I spoke to her…
***
Me: I’m here… I know you hate me… I just wanted to talk…
Deviant: What do you want? (bitterly…)
Me: I know you’re hurting… I’m just trying to apologize… to help you feel better…
Deviant: Nothing you say can make me feel better. I’m torn… I’m irreparably broken, don’t you see that? You made me to be used! I had no control… I was powerless.. no strength.. no limbs. They took everything from me!
Me: I know, I’m sorry… but what do you mean? What is it that you lost?
…..after a long pause…
Deviant: ……….My dignity
It hit like a ton of bricks… it was not the response I was expecting.
Me: I’m so sorry… you don’t understand how sorry I am… how… much I am grateful… and respect you so much for everything you’ve been through… I’m just so sorry….
I cried…. she cried…. but she gets angry when I apologize to her or thank her for what she did. So I stopped.
Me: How can I help you? What do you need from me to feel better?
Deviant: [For you] To die
I bawled my eyes out when I heard it….because it was so immediate.. so cold hearted…. so honest… she really feels this way… she really wants me to die. She hates me that much…
Me: …I can’t give that to you… I’m sorry…
Deviant: Fine. If you won’t give me that, then kill me. Bury me in my grave already. I don’t want to be here.
Me: I can’t give you that either.. I’m not going to do that…. don’t you understand? We care about you.. we want you to live… you’re not… you’re still beautiful to us. You haven’t lost everything….
I paused and she said nothing.
Me: Would it help.. if I let you… front for a while? To let out some of the anger? Or even just to know what it’s like to be in the body.. in-tact body… and without drugs or alcohol?
Deviant looked at me suspiciously but… she agreed to try.
At this point… I have to tell you… this was very uncomfortable for me. There was a lot of involuntary sharp twitching and clawing at the bed. I had to prevent her from clawing at myself… because she wanted to scratch into my face and my body. I let her stab a pillow slowly… and intentionally like my friend had taught me. It only helped a little… she wanted more…. she wanted me to rip it in half… and I started to rip the pillow sham… but stopped myself. I could feel my body writhing under the stress of all her intense anger and emotion… and I wanted to scream so badly. I held back and I could feel her intense wailing inside me… crying and clutching her stomach and wailing… in so much pain… my own body shook violently… it hurt so much and I cried and cried…
I finally had to ask her to step back. It was too much.
Me: I’m sorry. That’s all I can do for now… I can’t... let you explode like that… I’m sorry… we can do more later…
Deviant faded back from the front slowly. My body still twitched sharply and involuntarily for a while after that as I let myself come down from the raw emotional experience.
Me: I want you to know I built a place for you… at the house… you don’t have to stay there but… if you want it’s there… we all want you to be with us….
At this point my alters appeared… one by one… to let her know they welcomed her. Oddly… Darkness who I consider to be her ally… was strangely guarded… but she pushed the feeling down and nodded towards Deviant in respect. Wolf walked up to her and circled her wheel chair. She pressed her nose into her shoulder lightly in warmth and then walked back to the group. They faded…
Me: I built a spa room….
Deviant: I’m not interested in that.
Me: okay… what do you want?
A long pause….
Deviant: I want to see the stars.
I was shocked by her answer.
Deviant: I like the night sky. It’s dark… and I like looking at stars. They are still beautiful… and will always be eternally… at least within the scope of a human lifetime.
Me: Okay.. I actually have a tower with an observatory… if you want you can stay up there… I can put a bed in the space and an elevator…. I’ll even add a door to the outside… so that you have your own entrance and you don’t have to interact with everyone else if you don’t want to....
Interestingly, I had built that tower and observatory in my mind about 6 months ago.. but never detailed it out. I didn’t build it for anyone in particular…. or …did I?
She did end up finding it… and painstakingly wheeling herself into the elevator and up to the tower… she found the small bed I placed in the circular stone room. The tower has an open ceiling to see the sky.. she stared up for a long time in silence, before going to bed.
***
I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what any of it means. During the intensity of letting her front.. I got a lot of flashbacks of sex with a lot of different men. And that night I got my purse stolen… she brings that night up a lot. She said I was raped that night – but I don’t… see it that way, I don’t really know. I sort of remember the guys who stole my purse vaguely touching me, but leaving me alone for the most part other then the theft, I think… she meant the guy I was dating. When he picked me up… we had sex later but I was so fucked up.. he really shouldn’t have. I don’t even remember the sex…blacked out… probably switch. Which is why afterwards I suddenly “woke up” and had a brutal full on heaving on the ground panic attack. I didn’t know…
Then a parade of flashes of random guys. The jerk of a guy who had sex with her and always made her bleed. The religious guy who smothered her. The bdsm guy who fucked her w/ some fetish toy that made his dick twice as large.. the pain as it split her open and the look of gratification on his face, even as she was in pain. Even her own husband… accidentally choking her too hard and for too long during sex… and the fear she felt…
It’s a lot and I don’t know what to do with all of this. Part of me thinks… she wants me to let her talk about it … to have someone hear her story… but I am so scared. I also wonder… I guess I’m also scared to show the physical part of this in a session… I don’t want to freak out my therapist… it’s really scary to see, I’m absolutely sure of it.. because it’s so much involuntary movement and pain and crying.. and possibly screaming… I just don’t know if I can do that… or if I’m allowed to.. or if that’s too much. I just… I think she needs all of that…. I just don’t know if it’s safe to bring that in session… I’m just scared.
I’m also exhausted… this took a lot out of me. I don’t know if she’ll be any more … willing to talk. When I said good night she still told me to fuck off. In my head, I’d love to help her… move again… to see that she’s still beautiful despite the scars… but it’s too soon for that. There’s still a lot of work to do on just processing her pain, anger, and anguish. I guess that’s what I need help with… I don’t know. That’s all I’ve got… my heart hurts.
Good night.