I stayed up late last night journaling. I had to. It was the only thing could do to deal with the heightened anxiety and mixed feelings. It helped but not enough apparently. Situations like these really throw me…. my parts… for a loop. I have a hard time even admitting that I have parts right now.. it physically hurts. I can’t even feel them, at all. Nothing. I guess… it’s because I have to be someone else around these people… and that’s someone who isn’t a system.
We took the kids to a few places and then when we got back to the house I promptly snuck away to take a nap. I passed out pretty quickly, I was feeling.. off. Tired and shaky. I slept for a good 45 minutes but then suddenly woke up… my chest felt tight… my back hurt, my hands were trembling and I couldn’t help but feel like something really bad was going to happen. For a moment I wondered if I was having a heart attack… this has happened in the past and I went to urgent care because I never had panic attacks before last year (after my brother died). At urgent care they had said everything was fine… so I knew this time…panic attack.
I tried to deep breathe, tried to drink water. I sat up and I felt shivers and tingling from my upper back to my scalp. I thought I was dying. I checked my bpm upon waking and it was at 115bpm. Sitting there breathing and trying to calm myself it lowered to 95-105bpm but this is still elevated for me. My apple watch usually puts my resting/sleeping heart rate in the 45-55 range at night. A day nap would be normally around 65-75.. so over 100bpm was intense. I wasn’t just imagining it. My body was having a very real physiological response to all the stress.
It’s frustrating. I don’t want to be this way it’s just how I am. I know I should be kind to myself but I feel like a total wuss. I wish my nervous system wasn’t shot – I really do. I’m trying to build resiliency but… things are just very hard right now. I suppose, last night’s drama took a toll. I also tend to be really attentive to the twins when I’m around them, so I put my own feelings (physical and emotional) aside. I don’t think about parts – I just think about supporting them and navigating family relationships. All my energy is put into that leaving nothing for myself. I think all of that sustained over several days is too much for me. I knew it would be… it’s why I dreaded this trip. At least the twins are having a good time.
Tonight, the same thing. Brother drunk, trying to whip up conversation with my dad about real estate – trying to relate. He’s completely someone else around my dad. I hate it. I came outside only to get some air and because I knew I’d get comments if I holed up all night. I passively drew on my tablet. I have had a hard time drawing because I need to be relaxed, and I’m anything but relaxed. I looked at my face in the mirror earlier and I have really dark circles under my eyes… I honestly look like shit. lol I drew something benign, a flower. Got comments from everyone… but really I just wanted to be left alone. Brother and dad started talking about buying a vacation home in Florida or Mexico. Same conversation I’ve heard for the past 10 years. My brother’s drunken ire turned to me.
“Jess doesn’t have an opinion ever, I don’t know why” my brother quipped.
“About what?” I said calmly.
“The beach house….and where we buy it! I can’t believe we’ve been talking about it this whole time and you don’t even know what we’re talking about.”
“Oh, yeah, he (my dad) told me about it yesterday. Honestly, it all sounds great!”
“Okay, but you’re going to be owning half of it eventually, so you should care.” my brother said annoyed.
Always trying to pick a fight… it doesn’t matter what I say or do, he will find a reason to argue. I could say Mexico and he would make a comment about how stupid that is… I could say Florida and he’d do the same. I refused to engage. Rich chimed in and said he preferred Florida if they’re asking (thanks Rich <3).
“Looks like Rich at least speaks for her…” said my dad. I continued to draw quietly.
“Well Jess doesn’t care, she just wants to draw…” Juan said mockingly.
“I asked her to buy half the lake house in the Ozarks” he continued “but she never said anything..”
“I didn’t have any money to buy a lake house?” I said.
And that’s true, I’d have to liquidate my 401K to do that, I don’t have that kind of money just sitting around in a savings account. lol Not sure who they think I am. Also, I would never want to enter into any business venture with him…ever.
“I said, I asked you if you wanted to buy it… not whether you had the money to…”
“I’d have to empty out my 401K…. ” I turned quietly to Amanda “Also, I don’t remember him asking but…”
“Oh, I have the text do you want me to dig it up?”, my brother heard me unfortunately. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut, I thought to myself.
My dad chimed in at this point, “Well you’d earn more interest with real estate than a 401K.”
I wanted to melt. My anxiety levels I’d worked so hard to bring down started rising again. Luckily, my mom started telling a story about something else. I don’t know if she could tell I was getting annoyed or not… I don’t know, but Rich started to clean up the dinner table and I took the opportunity to help him. I went inside and b-lined it to my room.
A few moments in my room and my head started to get fuzzy. Dissociative, lost, confused as to where I was in short bursts like bouncing in and out of reality. I went and curled up into bed and buried my face in my blankets. My chest started to feel tight again.
Moments later Rich joined me.
“Was your brother getting to you?” I nodded solemnly. “Yeah, I could tell.”
“Well, he’s an ass.”
“Yeah…..he’s definitely something. I do wonder if your parents weren’t here if he’d not be as bad because it would be you, me, and Amanda (we’re all laid back) against your brother… kind out numbering him.”
“Maybe you’re right, I just… needed a break.”
I told Rich about what had happened the previous night. Rich had not been around when my brother got confrontational with me. I told him how I was feeling earlier, about the heightened anxiety (I didn’t say panic attack, didn’t want to worry him). He gave me a hug and said he totally understood. He sees my brother and finds him equally annoying at times. I sighed.
“That’s my family for you… it really pisses them off when I say I don’t care or have an opinion on the business or my dad’s retirement (our inheritance). I don’t know if it’s a control thing or what?”
“You don’t play the game. They don’t like that you don’t play the game.”
Sometime, Rich says things that are really on point. This was one of them.
“Yes. That’s exactly right. I know it makes them mad… but I am not that kind of person. I just have to walk away.”
Rich nodded and said he understood completely. We cuddled in bed for a little while, it was nice. Eventually, I turned away.
“I miss Eddie.” I said, as I choked back tears.
It’s not like Eddie was perfect either. He was sometimes moody and when we were younger they both would occasionally pick on me but it was not super often. And when my brother was alive I would go work with him at the stores. We would laugh and have fun picking a new lunch spot in the city to try. I could actually relax around Eddie, I could be close to myself.
But not here. Not around my dad and brother… all that I have left. My mom is mostly a broken empty shell. Amanda is nice, but she plays the game… she’s married to my brother after all. And the kids… who I love but.. that’s complicated too.
It’s why I dreaded this trip so much. I’m on a trip that’s supposed to be about family when… I don’t feel like these people are my family.
My family died.
And while I definitely believe in “found family”, that’s also very complicated for someone like me. I can’t quite be myself in those circles yet either…because I’m still learning about myself.
All I have is Rich (if he’ll have me…don’t know who would want to after how much I’ve fucked up) and my pets. That’s all I have…. and honestly I feel very lucky to have even that.
It’s why I don’t give a shit where they put their beach or lake house or whatever. It’s just stuff… I don’t care about their stuff and I don’t care about them. I don’t want anything to do with them other than the occasional visit at the holidays – it’s all I can tolerate. Does that make me a horrible person?
In all honesty. I do pay attention to what my dad/brother say when it comes to some of the advice on finances. I know real estate is a fantastic investment. It’s how my dad built his wealth. I have taken a different route in my life, but it’s the very reason why I try to put a lot of money away into my own retirement. I have about 220K saved up in my 401K. I have no idea if that’s a lot or not for my age (and Rich has a bit saved up too)… I do know it’s not enough to support Rich and I’s retirement later on just yet and that I might need to pay more attention to my stock portfolio (something I did more of in the past before the pandemic) – so I have to keep saving. My house should be paid off in about 10 years (I’ll be close to 50) and my house should be worth (if I had to guess) around 550-600K by then providing we keep it up and the real estate market holds (who fucking knows lol). But it’s a nice area and right next to the new streetcar line so I imagine it’ll at least hold if not increase in value if we should want to downsize then. One of the reasons I bought in the area was because of that. See? I pay attention.
But… I actually have a plan for what I want after we pay off the house. It doesn’t look like kids are in our future so… I thought about what would bring me joy if not that. And its art. It has always been art. I want to get good enough that I can work as a full or at least part time concept artist or illustrator for books and board/video games. Entertainment industry and especially art is a great avenue for older professionals (unlike Tech where you get canned when you’re too expensive and younger professionals have better technical skills – just sorta naturally happens that way). I might even want to teach art to others at that point. But, it will take a lot of practice and hard work and so I need to start now. So… I’ve already reached out to a program this past week. They gave me a review of my portfolio and suggested some online classes and a course list going forward based on my current skill level and I’m unbelievably hyped. Something to look forward to… because I’ve still got another few days of hell in front of me and apart from that a lot of hard work in other areas of my life… : /
Tomorrow we go to Universal. It will be a nice distraction and tire everyone out. Leaving only Monday and Tuesday to get through. Monday I might say that I have some work to do… and I think we might go to the beach. Tuesday, Rich happens to have an aunt in the area, so we are going to visit her by ourselves. Wednesday we leave. I don’t know where my head will be at when I get home. For some reason I think I might just collapse and cry for a few days. I wish I could break down now…. holding it all in is literally causing my nervous system to go haywire… I feel dizzy even sitting writing this… I wish I was stronger.
God help me through the next few days.