Sometimes a dream comes back to me. A dream I had a long time ago that I didn’t understand or even think much of, but for some reason it returns back to me in fragments – in the “now”.
This dream had me stuck inside a building with many doors and hallways and floors. Some sort of facility that I wasn’t supposed to be in with sterile white walls and echoey hallways. I am hiding from someone but I don’t know who. I make my way to a stair well at the end of a hallway and travel down.. trying to get to a ground floor but I go too far and end up in the basement level. Always in the basement… concrete floors that are cold. I’m barefoot and in a hospital gown.
I’m small.
I go down this hallway queitly with small footsteps in the basement of this building and this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here is overwhelming. But I keep moving because the only way out, is through. I hear noises behind locked doors that I’m not supposed to know. I’m terrified.
And then it ends. And all I see are flashes… and the feeling of my small child body being penetrated by something much too large…. too much. It’s all too much.
So I wake up.
***
I spent the whole day in the pool today. I ignored the somber faced adults. And we played with the kids. I was Little all day and it felt good because the kids got tired before I did. >:).
I wonder if that’s why? When I closed my eyes and fell into blackness the first thing that floated up from the water was this fragment, the edges still sharp. It was her feelings… her experiences… her terror and fear. It hurts between my legs… I feel like I’ve been violated but it’s not me… right?
Not me. Not me. Not me. I’m not small. But she’s still here with me and I just feel fear and anxiety and shame. I want to hide.
I’m sorry Little one….