Look Away

I had a really good day yesterday as far as feeling…calm…open and ready to take on the world. Full of love. So I suppose that’s why one of my parts decided it was a good time to share more.

I was deep in my sleep. All I could see was blackness. I had just ended another silly dream and then there was black. I stared.. and started to see something. Little me, on a messy bed… someone coming towards her, an adult maybe. It was an extension of the fragment I had over Thanksgiving. As I saw a blurry male figure climb on top of the bed, I knew what was about to happen. And the version of myself watching turned away and shut her eyes tight. I felt her internal scream “look away!”… she didn’t want to see it… and the vision evaporated. I suddenly became aware that I couldn’t close my eyes because they were already closed – I was asleep. I woke up a little but not completely…I could feel the elevated heart rate and fear in my body momentarily before I calmed myself. I realized it happened in the dream space and that I was safe. Then it dawned on me that I’d just missed my opportunity to see more of what has been haunting me.

I’m sitting with this. I have a lot of work to do today – no time to think about it – but it’s there. Maybe Nichole can help since I see her tomorrow. Maybe I won’t even bring it up.

I really look forward to a day when I no longer wonder and can move on. A day when all this energy can be used towards something better and not just handling whatever random traumatic memory my parts want to throw at me on a given day. I’m not bitter, I’m just frustrated. And I know there is another Part that’s just as frustrated too… that I won’t listen… I can hear her screaming.

I’m sorry I looked away… that I was too afraid to see your truth… don’t give up on me. I want to be there for you I just don’t know how to safely yet….

But one day I will.