AC: The goal is to maintain order at all costs. How can we live a productive life if you’re always falling down these rabbit holes? Pull it together!
Little: I’m scared. And no one will listen to me… I don’t know what to do… I’m also really sad about Eddie’s house. We really miss him so much… every time I start to cry someone makes me shut up… I know I’m not supposed to… I’m sorry. Someone please help me feel safe – I’m scared all the time – I can’t stop shaking. Why won’t you listen? Why doesn’t anyone ever listen? Maybe I don’t matter…
Darkness: Don’t you remember his words? Stop crying or we’ll give you something to cry about? I think you should remember that. Besides – we should suffer. We should hurt. Pain is there to remind us we’re still alive… right? It’s what you were made for. So shut the hell up before I do it for you.
From the Void: *screaming in agony* ..tried to show you….
AC: Maintain Order.
***
Why am I not able to tolerate thinking about my brother or anything around it? Why do I just devolve into a sobbing mess. Why am I so weak?
I had to reach out to Casey today to ask her about going through the house one more time to grab anything they wanted – because everything else will be thrown away. I hated doing it. I hated making them think about it. Opening up a wound that hasn’t even healed. I’m going to ask for more time but it gutted me. Casey told me she cried at her desk when she got my message… that honestly made me cry when I read her reply. I’m just so fucking sad. As long as his house is there… he’s there… and when it’s gone it’s like he’ll be gone all over again.
It hurts so much. On top of this work has been insane. They’re sort of a hot mess and I’m just trying to navigate all of it. I don’t let how fucked up it is get to me – I’m doing my best – but its just another stressor.
And today, Nichole discussed the results of my MID assessment (multidimensional inventory of dissociation). Solidly DID. Scores on the scales completely diagnose me with DID and PTSD. Lolsob.
I already knew that. I guess its fine to confirm it. I had zero reaction to her telling me this.
I did take her through some of my comics about how I’ve explored how everything came about – about how my brother dying flooded the well. I showed her the magic well comic… and the diver painting. She said my artwork and how I told the story was “amazing” – she looked genuinely astounded.
Then she made a remark that she felt like I had developed a lot of coping skills on my own and was curious if I thought I even needed her help. We discussed some things that could help including visualizing out my head space in more depth so that each part has their own safe space.
But last thing she said that surprised me was that she asked what it would be like to bring an emotional part to the session – because whoever she was talking to was cold, clinical, and really good at giving information… but wasn’t emotional at all. It caught me off guard how quickly she picked up on this. She’s right, typically AC shows up. No one else is prepared to be in the space with her. I don’t dislike her as a person. But some of my parts just don’t like her at all… I wonder if it’s just her digging around – or if they really just prefer Ben for reasons? But they don’t like the empathy on her face when I tell her parts of my story and they hate when she asks about scheduling.. because I’m just not sure what I want out of this relationship.
I’m more confused than ever and I’m going through a really rough time. Work, Estate, Holidays, Family, Socializing, Anxiety, my body being badly bruised up because of soccer and crosfit lol. The bruises and injuries hurt all the time but it’s there to remind me that I am indeed in this world… I’m not floating away.
I dissociated a lot today. I had some confusing moments where I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be at the moment. I could hear parts screaming to be let out… I’ve kept them quiet for at least a week… I felt good.. but they are screaming again and I can’t control it. AC can’t maintain order.
For the first time in a while part of me wants to self harm. But I won’t. I’ll find other methods. It just hurts. It always hurts… why does it always have to hurt? Is this everyone’s life too? I hate myself sometimes… trying to have compassion but I don’t want to… part of me wants me to suffer.
Is that so you can keep your secrets hidden? Suffer, Jesi, Suffer? If you put me in enough pain I won’t go digging? You might be right for now.
We’ll see about that later.