The monster within appears in my dreams or maybe nightmares? He sits silently in the dark void, outside of the cabin in my mind space. The closer I approach the more I can feel that he is vibrating with despair and crushing hopelessness. The more you examine him, the more you can hear the screams, the ones we never uttered in reality. A blackness oozes from his mouth and drips onto the floor.
When I see him I feel intense sadness, guilt, and fear. The terrifying image sits with me in my dreams and then usually wakes me up with a jolt.
I think, it symbolizes the pain and anguish I have tried so hard to control. He literally vomits emotions, symbolic of my inability to maintain that control. It leaks out no matter what I do. It’s why I can’t stop. I want to “take a break” from all of this, but I literally can’t. The dam has broken and it takes everything I have to stop it from violently rushing into my conscious mind, so it oozes instead. I can distract myself momentarily with work, social engagements, and hobbies, but it doesn’t matter. He is there waiting for me, in the quiet moments and in my sleep. A cold reminder of what lies beneath the surface for me if I continue to dig and explore. Yes, he is the symbol for the terror I feel facing my most closely kept and darkest memories and emotions.
It’s strange, but I care. I see him, alone, shoulders slumped in sadness and despite my anxiety about him, I feel empathy. I just don’t know how to help him. For now, all I can do is keep painting and writing and see where it takes me. Despite the debilitating fear, the painful sense of loneliness in this journey, I have no choice but to keep going. Heaven help me.