Mask mandate back in for a bit in KC. That’s when I realized that not having masks really helped with moving forward after my brother’s death to Covid. I didn’t realize how much until I walked into a grocery store and the masks were back. Don’t get me wrong, we need them, they’re essential. But I just didn’t realize how fucking triggered I would be by it. I stood there looking at the people around me and started to get dizzy. At first I didn’t realize why… but these days dizziness is a common marker I’m touching on something my subconscious does not want me to stir up. Then I realized it… the entire pandemic I remained relatively calm until my family started dying… and apparently now it’s a trigger for me. That’s actually kind of interesting from a cold logical standpoint.
And how do I really feel about it? See above art work…anxious, dizzy, can’t focus. Everything feels foreign, surreal, nothing makes sense. He didn’t die. This isn’t my life. This isn’t happening again. Why won’t things stop spinning?