I think revisiting these traumas has put me in a place of self loathing the past few days. I’m just on edge now. I’m starting to feel abnormally anxious about people around me. I went in for an eye exam and I was in a tiny dark room w an older man and I started to freak out a bit. I had to tell myself nothing was gonna happen to me – I’ve haven’t felt that way in a long time..maybe ever. But I think unburying some of these things is having a real effect – just not sure it’s a positive one. Up till 4a last night resisting the urge to rip up my own skin until I finally fell asleep. What’s weighing on my mind?
From my Journal:
R is pretty much the best. And I’m just a piece of trash he picked up along the way because of course he would stop to clean up the street.
I feel like he is the best partner he can be and I frankly, suck. He’s 100% committed. Sometimes I wonder if I should have married him at all. It doesn’t feel fair to him. I should be alone. I deserve to be alone. I don’t even know what a healthy loving relationship actually looks like. I don’t think I’ve ever been in one.
I fantasize about breaking up. I would sell everything and go live on my own making my way through sexual partner after sexual partner and then wallowing in deep depression in between flings, just like old times.
I could stop caring about everyone. I could stop caring about myself. I could finally just let go.