My frustration spiked today as I was fielding texts from family trying to coordinate this weekend’s events. I got off work and just ranted to R. After I was done, I took a deep breathe and said “Sorry”. And he said, “That’s okay babe, that’s what I’m here for.” What a sweetheart. : ) He even said he had similar feelings about his mom at times. He rarely offers these insights but maybe I just need to give him the opportunity by expressing it (being vulnerable) first. I think I went through some good stuff while I was ranting, it surprised me that I was starting to see things differently in a way – so I wanted to capture them in my journal. I go back and read these posts all the time. It makes me feel understood weirdly enough.
From My Journal: MAY 13
“I’m not going to their birthday party if C (their mom) is going to be there.” – My Dad
Awesome. Just what I wanted to hear. It’s not enough that you weren’t emotionally supportive to your children growing up – but now you are repeating it for your grandkids.
Do you think the kids won’t be able to tell you actively avoid their mom? And that you’re absent on their birthday (such an important one at that)? What kind of message do you think that sends? And those kids need you (just like I needed you). But at such a critical time when they need everyone to be supportive of them, you’re only focusing on how you feel.
I know your dad died when you were 9, your mom when you were in your 20s (your sister just last year). I know you barely had food and shelter security as a kid. I know you were not nourished in many important ways, and because of that I can forgive that you’re less than perfect and that you didn’t have a roadmap to even begin to know how to support and love us (and I’m not talking about basic needs being met here.) But I don’t know if I can sit here and watch you make the same mistakes. For Christ’s sake, Eddie is dead.
If you want any of that to have meaning try looking inward. Make the time and space to do better for him and for his children – and for you. Maybe even for us.
Look, I’m an adult. I can exit-stage-left from our relationship at any time and I could eventually make peace with that. I don’t need this relationship as much as I desperately wanted it to work out my entire life. But those kids don’t have a choice right now – we are all they’ve got left of their beloved dad (and they are all we have) and it’s so, so important to show up for them. That we model respect, love, kindness, laughter, joy – and that being vulnerable is okay. And most importantly, provide them a sense of a loving, supportive, family; something you and I barely experienced.
Otherwise, I’m so scared they will grow up harboring the same pain and anguish you have – unsure of how to express it, unable to connect with others, unable to be at peace, unable to accept, know, and show real love.
I don’t want that for them. And I know Eddie damn well doesn’t want that for them – and be honest – do you want that for them?
I know it’s hard, but you have to try.
I just wish you could hear this.
***
Reflection:
It surprised me, but I broke down crying pretty significantly while writing this in a way I didn’t with my other posts that were far more intense and objectively more painful to write about. Maybe it’s that this was in the moment/present, and those other things have had the benefit of distance…time. But I think I started to realize some emotions that, I didn’t even know I felt. I started realizing how his behavior towards the twins, is basically how he parented us as well. Keeping us at arms length and when he did want to connect with us, he didn’t know how, so it came off awkward. Often making things more about his emotions rather than considering ours (or my mom’s). Damn, that’s so painful to see and realize. I think that’s why I got so upset.
But you know, sometimes with these things, it sorta feels like massaging out a painful knot in your calf… kinda brutal as you’re going through it for the first time, digging into the deep tissues, you may even get bruised. But after a while, your leg muscle feels smoother, you can move easier, you feel lighter, and you just feel better. And like most muscle knots, sure it comes back from time to time, takes some maintenance, but it’s easier… you’re aware of it and can take the necessary steps to prevent the muscle from knotting up so badly in the future. That’s a fun metaphor, that I just came up with…haha. I feel a little better after writing that all out – time to go be creative.