This is to you… but I don’t want to bug you with emails so I’ll leave it here.
Whenever I interact with R – I have to switch. He sees this happy peppy side of me.. that is a far cry from what’s goin on inside… when he’s not looking. When I’m not at work or talking with someone… just… deep depression. There’s probably a million reasons. I feel weak. I feel inept. I feel self-centered for complaining…. whining all the time. It’s what my dad would say….. that I’m selfish, spoiled, ungrateful… sometimes he was nice to me … as a small child, as long as I was quiet. As a teenager, at best I would not draw any of his attention….it was like he hardly knew what to do with me… except sexualize my body and seek to control it. I said nothing. I never say anything. I don’t deserve to speak, do I? What good would anything coming out of my mouth do? I’m just a stupid girl who doesn’t deserve to be here. That’s why he never talks to you. That’s why he never calls… that’s why he doesn’t want to be around you and the kids. I don’t even know if he’s going to make this trip… doesn’t sound like it… it’s for the best… and at the same time…. i hate him for it. I hate him for his complete lack of care… i hate him for not trying… at all… with the twins. I get it… they’re basically alien to him… but you could try. Anything… at all. I don’t know why I care… or am surprised.
***
Jess: Everything hurts so much… It’s like an avalanche of crap and I don’t even really understand why or where it’s coming from. It doesn’t matter that it hurts though does it? Because I really have nothing to complain about.. it’s all in my head… I’m probably just faking all of this .. wth is wrong with me. Tell me to stop thinking about myself… because I’m being incredibly selfish. All I think about is myself… and I need to stop it and worry about other people.. wtf is wrong with you… selfish, selfish, selfish……
Silent: Just keep your mouth shut. That’s how we’ve gotten through most of life. That’s the safe thing to do. No one will know if you just be quiet. Don’t tell anyone how much it hurts or how much you want it to be over. No one cares anyway. I mean I don’t care… your two friends have been MIA for days… they probably hate you. No one to really talk to anymore except about shallow things to shallow friends. Maybe you should just do this one last thing for the twins… and then be done. That sounds really nice doesn’t it? That’s a nice thing to think about for after your trip…. something to look forward to…
Darkness: I mean… do what you want. I don’t really give a shit. Kill yourself, don’t kill yourself, just stop fucking complaining about it. I’m so fucking tired of listening to you whine. Get your shit together. Not like it’s going to matter anyway… none of these people know you… who the fuck would they even be mourning? Some fake version of you hahaha… can you imagine? Here lies “Jessica”, she was so sweet and kind… and also REALLY FUCKED UP. hahaha Bet they won’t include that part… ugh, whatever.
Little: It’s okay…. I see how sad you are a lot. : ( I guess.. I guess I won’t be scared if you want to go away… just take me with you, please.. I don’t want to be alone. Will it hurt?
Loved: I’ll hold you Little one, don’t worry. We’ll always be together.
Deviant: I hate you.
Armored: I have nothing left to give. I’m sorry. I gave everything I had the day your brother died… I can be here… but I have nothing to offer. I’m so sorry.
AC: …
Host: I’m trying my best… but you can’t have it both ways. You can forget everything… everyone… even Ben.. or you can be in excruciating pain. Pick one.
***
Three years ago… my brother Juan invited me and Rich to Orlando … he wanted me to take care of his kids while he and his wife went to a music festival in Florida for one of the days. He also had a request.
“Can you get the padres to let Eddie and the twins go with us? It’s on Eddie’s birthday after all….”
Internally, I thought, why would you ask me?
“You all work together… why don’t you ask..?” I said.
“I did… they won’t let him go.. I thought maybe you could sway them…”
Again, I don’t know what magic power he thought I had?
“I mean… I guess I can ask.” But inside, I was terrified. I always was… of my dad… and his reactions.
I did ask them, and of course, they scoffed and told me no. Who was going to be there to take care of the stores if Juan and Eddie were both gone? Them? They already get up at the crack of dawn… [insert long lecture about why I should be ashamed to ask in the first place…].. basically “How dare I”.
I shrunk. I knew this would be the case… and I didn’t push it. What power did I have anyway…
Juan lamented my attempt…. like I didn’t try hard enough. but.. we went… without my brother anyway.
On Eddie’s birthday… I texted him Happy Birthday. He texted back… “Thanks.. are you in town?” I can’t remember if he invited me out or not… but I told him I wasn’t… and even though he didn’t really react… or maybe he did… I think I felt his heart sink a little through that screen.
If he had come… if I had pressed a little harder… we would have had another memory of just us being all together. I had so few of those as an adult… because I left for Texas and stayed there for a long time. When I came back for that 9 month stint… (which is when I met you… heh)… I had a birthday party when I had just broken up with David… and Eddie actually came to it. I was surprised… and I’m so gutted.. that I never got to pay it back. That I didn’t get… that extra time with him… and yeah… I pretty much fucking hate my parents for it. I understand their reasoning but… I don’t know. I just..
I just can’t anymore… with any of them. I feel nothing for them. I have no family… I don’t consider any of them family. I don’t have friends who even really know me.. Rich doesn’t even fully understand and I don’t want him to. My own parts… fucking hate me. They don’t even care if we die.
So I’ll do this thing… I’ll give them a good memory… the twins love hanging out w/ Rich and I. I’ll be happy and pretend to have a good time… I really do put on a good show. And when I get back… if I’m still feeling this way…. maybe I’ll just be done. I know… I’m sorry. I don’t mean to give up… but you have to understand… I just don’t feel attached to anyone or anything… and the attachments I do have… hurt. They hurt really bad – they are painful in a way I can’t describe.
I don’t feel misunderstood… I don’t want to be understood… I know enough and I just want to be done. At bare minimum I want to cut or injure myself to my hearts content… I really miss it. I miss the feeling of being abused tbh. Not even ashamed to admit it… cause it’s the truth. I miss seeing bruises on my body from soccer or crossfit – gave up exercise… cause who the fuck cares. I miss cutting to relieve brutal anxiety… i just don’t want or deserve to be here so why try.
So… one week. I just have to survive one week… and then I can be done if I want.
There’s a lot of comfort in that.
Okay, now time to put on a smile…