Too many thoughts… can never sleep. Turn them off plz…
I don’t think I know what it means to be calm. I haven’t known that kind of peace in quite some time.
There have been a few moments. But I just.. I always end up back here. Anxious. Looking for that next fix to help me feel .. less… Anxious… Less depressed… just less emotional.
I just want to be neutral and at peace. And yet… I can feel that parts of me don’t want that at all. They want me to suffer… want me to acknowledge and feel their pain… it’s fine but… For how long?
As long as it takes?
So..possibly forever? I don’t know… If I can live like that.
Guys what if it’s all wrong? I shouldn’t be in this marriage. I shouldn’t be living this life. I should be alone…. Alone…… ALONE.
I miss my brother. I miss him so much.
My heart hurts tonight. Like it does every night. I lay here sad and anxious and thinking about self harm and wanting someone to just tell me it will be okay.
I guess that can come from me. It’s just.. I’ve had to do that my entire life. Pretend it will all be okay – tell myself the lie so i could keep going.
Just tired of bearing it all.. mostly alone. I kind of want to stop going to therapy. At this point… If I kill myself well.. I don’t know, maybe that’s okay?
Afterall.. death brings a measure of peace for the sufffering. But I likely won’t.. I’ll just dream about it.. and crave it… And think about it every now and then. I just… Why does it matter that I stay alive? I’m no one special. I don’t do anything earth shattering. I’m just a standard human just like everyone else.
Tonight… I really want to be asleep… But like.. asleep asleep. I miss my brother. I miss him so much.
I.. want to get wasted on whiskey. I don’t.. armoured does. She is strong but she took a beating when my brother died. You know I keep saying it over and over and .. it’s become far easier to say… but that’s because… I don’t feel it when I say it. It’s just a part of who I am like saying my hair is black.. or that I’m 5’1″. It’s a fact about me.. it reflects part of who I am.. but I don’t feel it when I say it.
When I do feel it. It’s unbearable. The wave if emotions.. too much all at once.
I have a ton of bug bites from being out on disc golf parks this summer. I am notorious for picking at wounds on my body. I can’t stop. I ripped into several yesterday. I want to rip them open again and again. I don’t know why. It hurts.. but feels good. It’s anxiety reducing.. and parts like to feel my body “punished”. I know it’s not healthy. I know that’s how I end up w crapy keloid scars on my legs… But I can’t stop. Ripped open another one on my hip just now. I just don’t like feeling bumps on my skin.. so…i tear them off. Now I’m bleeding. Don’t care.
What’s the point? Why do I keep trying? I just don’t think I’ll ever be … “Normal”. Maybe I should just let go…
Let go of therapy.. let go of trying.. just stop caring about any of it. Spend the money on other things.. stop taking drugs…
That’s a choice I could make.. I might make.. do you think I’d kill myself? Only one way to find out huh?
I don’t want to go bed. I don’t want tomorrow to exist. My heart hurts. When does it not? maybe I like it that way.. maybe I feel like I deserve it. Maybe it’s comfortable. I can’t… I just .. I’m so tired of trying. I want my thoughts to shut up… shut up… From one of my favorites artists w OCD…
“Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIET, Leave me alone!”
Cutting sounds nice tonight. Nothing really matters.. anyway.
OH… I started a fun sketch today inspired by one of my recurring nightmares.. I had to stop drawing at one point because… It was too close.. to what I see… Can’t wait to be done w it!
Did you know… Since the CSA dreams started happening.. I can’t have sex at all? I can’t even feel my own self without feeling intensely triggered… maybe I’ll never have sex again. Or maybe I’ll just have to drug myself… That’s a recipe for success huh? And a part really liked that idea.. asking for a one night stand… lol
Oh I also scribbled this out from when I got mugged! Terrible drawing.. looks like I drew it drunk… Like I was that night. Lol
🙂 …….
***
I tried to fall asleep peacefully. Silly me. As I drifted off I had an image enter my mind. It was me, dead inside a funeral home (the same one we had for my brother) but I only saw R. He stood over my open casket teary eyed and placed a little stuffed animal fox next to me. That was it.. just him and then I did my best to dash the image from my brain. Premonition? Maybe.
Then in my scramble to change the subject my brain told me..that the image wasn’t real.. that you know where that comes from.. and that was real.
Then I was walking down the aisle with my mother. I was practically holding her up. Doing my best to be strong. Trying my hardest not to break. There was no room for the full depth of my pain or emotions. I had to keep everything together. But then..it’s like they suddenly hit me… and I felt myself crack.. just for a moment. My whole body shook as I stifled a few sobs, not wanting to wake my sleeping spouse. Tears ran down my face and then I said stop… can’t just burst into tears.. no space for that right now.. maybe not ever..
Because it doesn’t matter how many times you rub your finger across his face within that photo. The photo that remains on your phone screen since that day… he’s still not coming back. And the finality of it.. the pure destruction of something valuable.. something important… it’s almost too much to bear.
I fell asleep for a little while. And then I woke up because I was having some dream where he wasn’t dead.. where it was all a fucking mistake… all of it. My heart lifted… for the first time in a long time my heart momentarily did not hurt at all. I felt light…and then, as if to rip me back down to reality, something inside me woke me up. And it came crumbling back down like a cruel joke. The descent was swift and heavy.
And that’s how it goes for me almost every night. Anxiety.. or depression… or just pain. I wonder if that will always be my life now that I unlocked all these hidden rooms full of feelings. I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder if one day I won’t feel that it is, that it ever was… and I’ll just stop trying. You know.. I tracked my sleep for the first time using my apple watch. It answers a lot of questions for why I’m so tired all the time… Of the 8 hours I spent in bed, I slept a little under 5 hours. That’s probably how I sleep every night, why I wake up so tired even though I put my phone down at around midnight and don’t actually get out of my bed until about 830 or 9. It also said my respiratory rate dropped to 10 at it’s lowest… anything below 12 is abnormal. I wonder if… that’s how my brother’s respiratory rate was when he died. Slowing… slowing… slowing….
I have to see my family on Friday night. It’s my mom’s birthday. I set up a dinner because my other brother asked if we should. “Sure” I said in a monotone text. I have barely spoken to them lately. You know, I don’t really miss my dad…..at all. I forgot he existed. I thought about my mom a lot because I know it pains her for me to be so distant. But… I feel worse for her than I do me. But my dad? He never contacted me anyways… not ever. I’ve never received a text directly from my dad saying Happy Birthday, or I love you, or How are you doing today… I have no idea what that feels like. I have a dad… but.. do I?
It’s okay. I’ve come to accept that I am basically alone. My family is only R. That’s the only person I care about attending my dream funeral. And yet… I can’t even be completely open with him. So no one really.. there’s just me… and all the fractured parts of my mind.
I am anxious about seeing my “family” on Friday. God help me not destroy myself in the days after. Not that it will matter. I’ll just heal and start the process over again… pain, heal, pain, heal.. pain, pain, pain… recover. More pain. Who would want to live like this? Oh, but, “It’s not forever…” You sure about that? I have known since I was a teenager… that a lot of living… is just continuous pain and.. I don’t know. Haven’t really been proven wrong…
Just seems so pointless today. Don’t want to be here today..
I miss my brother…
Google keyboard is so familiar with me typing about this topic that it now auto suggests the word “died” after I type the word “brother”. Thanks for the reminder…
Don’t worry.. I won’t forget.