//I can’t do this. I won’t… stop…don’t talk about this..//
Reliving some of this stuff is .. hard isn’t even the right word. It’s torture. I don’t know if it’s real or not.
That memory I talked about… the one I can’t even re-read.. (from the post “raw”). I can barely look at the artwork that emerged. I was sitting here thinking about it. I think I shoved it aside for a few days because other stuff wanted attention but.. now that I know it’s been read… my mind naturally wandered back. We were nervous…… nervous about sharing any of it…
And then as i was thinking about it all.. I was back there. Kind of. What popped into my head was the connection between two points.. and maybe a third.. memory. Except I am wide awake rn… wide fucking awake. I couldn’t take it.. and I still can’t and I’m sorta panicking… :'(
It’s just. That memory of someone gently stroking me between my legs…. my brain, without prompting, connected it with another flash that I got several months ago. One that I hate, it resurfaced just now. I don’t know if it’s real either.
It’s that same room. That same bed. I have slightly woken up but not completely because the light is on in the hallway and my dad finally came home from… work or wherever. In that house he always came home late… and a lot of times he came home drunk.
//I am so scared.. writing about this rn…//
In this fragment.. i hear him coming up the stairs from down the hall. I was always scared of that.. it made me nervous to hear him come home when I was asleep.. i don’t know why.
Then.. i hear him walk closer, footsteps heavy and slow… and he comes to stand in my doorway. Just…. stands there…. i open my eyes just a slit to see… and all I can see is his silhouette and the yellow hallway light behind him dimly shinning through my open door and into my room. But this fragment.. is like i’m seeing it from outside myself…..
//Someone help me.. don’t do this…stop talking… please…i’m begging you….//
I lay there.. as still as I could.. hoping he did not notice that i was awake. Praying that he didn’t come into my room and touch me in any way… I don’t remember what happened after that.. he may have walked away or maybe not.
And moments ago, my mind chose to put that fragment together with the one I just wrote about recently. It connected those dots.. and when they connected a third fragment emerged.
Someone sitting by my bed side… rubbing my thigh… above the sheet but rubbing back and forth gently. It made me so god damn uncomfortable… but I lay there still.. pretending not to be awake… not to notice…….. frozen.
…
What does it mean? What does it all mean? I don’t want to put these pieces together because I don’t want to believe them but my heart rate is going crazy and I’m scared…. maybe not as much in this exact moment.. I don’t know why. Maybe because I wrote about it and the feeling of it was far more intense than… recounting it all maybe. I don’t know.
I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to have a really bad nights sleep full of flashbacks and horrible feelings. Every time I think about it all I can feel is someone touching me in ways I don’t want them to… I can literally feel their hand running over my body…
Is this why I every time I crawl into bed I feel nothing but anxiety? Nothing but fear? Nothing but wanting to cover myself in loads of blankets and stuffed animals to hide? Because that’s what I want to do at this exact moment… crying. Maybe I should drug myself so I can go to bed… it might make the falling asleep part worse though… maybe i’ll just stay up all night tonight. Can’t have flashbacks and memories if I don’t sleep. I have to stop crying before R comes to bed….. my chest hurts. Everything hurts… I want to die.
***
.. having trouble seeing.. keep dissociat.ing .. had to cut little to help started.. out of control z… Might need to keep going… Need to stop … Just don’t exist… switch switch switch…switch no longer here to you or anyone… Don’t exist don’t exist don’t exist.. just a shell .. don’t exist ..
***
Late now…..
Try to close my eyes… dreamt of twins.. conjoined.. one normal.. one grotesque… Dreamed of felshy things being penetrated..
Dreamt of a young girl being chained to her bed.. and in the same scene… The same little girl.. crying at the end of her bed.. crying crying crying… that’s all I can hear inside my head crying crying crying.. some little girl crying and alone and no one cares about her… No one.. I’m worthless can’t help… worthless and shaking and can’t .. maybe you should just hang yourself. It’s fine. No one cares. Too much… it was nice day..
“you are going to die tonight…”
am i? why would you say that?
i can.. just disappear… not exist anymore .. go away ill go away.
kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys .. pills?? rafters and rope?? Easy. kys kys kys kys kys…
if you dont do it…. die of sleep deprivation… maybe just a few pills to sleep …….. I cut a lot I want more and more and more or more .. cut around my breasts .. never done that before… Just don’t want them…. Or anything… Cut it all off….
sleep.. no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares.
Kys kys kys……..
Just here to not close eyes… Too fearful.. tried panic breathe nothing helps should I go somewhere?? Help??
No… Too tired… Just keep typing.. no more T. I’m done.. disappear no more talking… Silence and listen to her cry and cry and wail and wail cause she is frozen and no one can hear her screams……….. no one cares no one cares… No one cares.
Done talking.. no more words. I’ll be fine…. No more words. Anymore. Silence only.