I don’t know if it’s side effects from my interaction with Deviant… more like shockwaves… or the increased Wellbutrin hiking up my anxiety to astronomical levels. Either way all I feel is tense now days. Tense, and I can’t stop thinking about self-harm. I go to bed thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. Seems to be getting worse and I’m not really sure what to do. I could stop the medication… but maybe that’s not even it. I am struggling to care about eating either. Arguably part of the intended side effects of wellbutrin and naltrexone is to fix my broken insulin resistance/hunger system that is all sorts of fucked up. Doesn’t help my thyroid is equally sluggish. I just don’t want to eat.
It all just amounts to me wanting to sleep my days away and never wake up. I am trying to keep busy… but in the quiet moments it’s just… unrest. My chest is tight almost all morning… I can’t stop fidgeting… and I find myself cutting into my skin when I’m just sitting here on meetings because I’m bored and it’s a distraction and… it feels good. Some part of me thinks that .. if I cut when I’m in control… than it’s acceptable because it’s better than cutting when I’m over emotional.
The scary part about drugs like Wellbutrin… is it gives you energy.. more motivation to do things. But for someone like me.. that can mean.. impulsively engaging in stuff I normally don’t have the energy for… like planning a suicide attempt or cutting my arm up gratuitously.
So bit of a confession… I sorta lied to them about how suicidal I have been in the past or they never would have prescribed this to me. So far it’s actually been fine… I think the new increased dosage is just… causing me to go a little haywire. I’m hoping it’ll even out over the next few weeks. If not, I’ll probably stop drugs all together and return to debilitating depression rather than hyper anxiety all the time. TBH I think I’d rather have the depression… I’m more used to it.
I know it’s not.. right.. I know I should take better care of myself, but I just don’t want to. I want to suffer for some reason and I’m not really sure I understand it – maybe another part does. Maybe it’s that I’m punishing myself for having attachments at all… I don’t want to be attached to anyone I just want to be alone. Maybe if I show them how broken I am.. they will leave me alone… give up on me. That would be nice.
I just… hate myself for being unable to just be normal.