What I really feel… Is fear. And hurt. And more fear. And this pit in my stomach. And a tight chest from anxiety. My mind is racing trying to understand… do you really want to off yourself? Or get super drunk and end up wherever the wind takes you? Maybe I’ll drive into a tree. I really want to OD tonight. Or cut. I just feel… alone.
That’s because you are alone. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Just fucking leave. All of them. They don’t want to care one bit what you go through daily. None of them.
I don’t want anyone. No one is really safe. They all just… hurt you.. or leave… I’m just a kid and I already want to die. But instead I just gave my body up over and over because that was all I knew.. Like a broken record repeating my trauma over and over.
I don’t know why I even care or bother with other people. Too complicated.
Just pretend to care until you find the right moment to leave. Maybe on your 42nd bday.. you will have lived as long as him. The twins will be all grown up. You don’t have to suffer anymore. Or maybe this weekend. Don’t say goodbye. Just leave.
I’m sorry I just don’t want to be here anymore. It hurts too much. And no one gets it. No one.
I have to leave.