I’m having so many emotions all at the same time. I’m anxious about tomorrow… sad, content, relaxed.. it’s all over the place. Really I’m just tired of feelings. I don’t care about anything in particular. I just .. don’t… care. I dont want to talk to Ben. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want anything from anyone… I just want everyone to go away and let me retreat in a hole. I hate everything.
I don’t want to kill myself… I just want everything to stop.
This is probably the depression talking .. probably. But it feels real. It feels.. empty and soulless and flat. It feels like nothing.. and at it’s worst it hurts bad enough I don’t want anything but sleep and blackness – which sounds like death but it’s different.. it can lead me down that path but I’m trying to stick it out.. hoping it will get better..
I feel like I tried a lot of things and I’m so tired of trying things.. when I don’t think I’ll ever change. I just .. don’t believe it. Everything is always so complicated all the time. I feel like I’m triggered by relationships… by getting close to anyone.. which is kind of a shit way to live tbh. It makes me feel like I need to be alone. Like I need to push everyone away – I’m just losing hope that it will ever be any different for me. Those wounds are incredibly deep… the ones that make everything so hard. I was scarred throughout childhood and trying to break up scar tissue 30 years later.. it’s painful and there’s just so much… just seems futile. The sccars will always be there, makes it hard to exist in this mind or body.
I guess if Ben still wants me around.. I can keep going I just don’t see the point. I’m pretty useless..almost powerless to change things short of just switching into a completley different persona all together. And maybe that’s just what I’ll resolve to do in the end. Just pretend – until one day I can’t take it anymore and out of the blue kms. Lol That’s a legit possibility for me. It’s what scares me about giving up on counseling… isolating.. I know thats one possible ending to my story.
I need someone to convince me that I won’t be in this horrible place for that much longer… but that would be a lie I’m sure. There is a lot more pain and turmoil ahead of me. I’ve gotten better at handling it.. but it doesn’t hurt any less. I paradoxically wish someone would tell me it’s okay to give up… but I know no one would give me that out… just feel stuck and hopeless. Mad because I don’t see an end and sad because it all hurt s so very much and I’m tired of complaining. Will someone please release me from this hell on earth? No? No takers? Okay. I’ll just continue to suffer and hate myself and everything else too. I’m.sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.. getting lost in really low places lately… I hate my brain. I hate being me. I hate everything.
.. Rich just tried to lay his hand on me as he fell asleep.. searching to feel connected to me. I moved away quickly because it felt triggering. Because not even my bed is a safe place.. I often curl up in extreme anxiety and age regress at times when I’m in bed.. but it’s where I sleep. Or not sleep. Whatever.. wtf is wrong w me?? Everything.