I don’t know what to say. I haven’t hurt like this in a long time. This isn’t depression sad.. this is someone actively drove a knife into my heart sad. I know it’s probably my fault for reading the situation incorrectly – but I don’t care. It hurt anyway. My heart feels broken, burned…
What am I supposed to do? My parts switched into the happy go lucky person that R and everyone else wants me to be by the time I got home. I played off the fact that I was sobbing and hyperventilating in the car just fine.. no one would be able to tell how upset I was. How psychotic is that? Makes sense… crazy after all. We sat around, watched some baseball, some laughs, had some dinner.. told him I was going to hang out upstairs while he finished watching the game. I got into bed and just continued on crying….and crying… and trying to figure out why it hurt so much…
It just did.
I’m half sorry for feeling this way and half just… plain hurt… i can’t stop crying.. why does it hurt? Why am I hurting this much? It feels silly.
I think I just need space. A moment… but I don’t know what to say anymore. I feel simultaneously like the worst, and also justifiably upset. I just picked off all the scabs on my leg.. I really didn’t want to and I did and now my leg hurts.. and I’m going to end up with awful scars… but .. i just.. couldn’t help it.. i feel a little like i’m falling apart… panicking.. and I don’t .. know… why.
Let myself get distracted.. feel a little better. Really want to send ben a message but.. i also am scared now… i hope.. i don’t stay this way. : (