I made this piece this morning. I’m struggling to verbalize how I feel about it because my head is fuzzy from yesterday’s festivities. There’s a lot wrapped up in there. It captures the part of me that has retreated to the darkest space, “the closet”, in my mind. That part is torn, broken, bleeding, fragmented, confused, hurt. It hurts her to be seen; so she stays buried deep but peers out from the darkness, watching quietly.
There’s also anger there, a lot of anger that emerged for me this morning. The moment felt like a combination of both my EPs – Darkness and the part that hid this week… the part I called Jesi. I’m just not sure who she is; she blended pretty solidly with this hurt and afraid feeling or part, maybe Little… maybe not.
I guess I should show some gratitude towards her. Thank you, for holding all of that for me.. so that I could have fun and let loose a little. I don’t know your name other than Jesi… and I don’t know who I am, if not her… but I see you.
And yet I feel nothing. I want to feel empathy for you. I want to care but I’m also just tired.
As I begin to gain more clarity around these parts, I also start to see the roles they play – have been playing – to keep me safe, to keep me going and it all makes sense; so much of my life has been built around survival.
I look forward to a day when I can focus on living… maybe even thriving. But first I know I have to go on a journey into the darkness, like I did with the well.
I don’t want to know what I’ll find but I’m trusting I’ll have the strength to come back. In the art I made above, there’s one other emotion…. determination.