I’m trying to make good choices for this afternoon but I’m really struggling. I’ve been “out in front” since yesterday’s sesh and I hate it. I hate it so much. It feels raw out here. I just hurt but I don’t feel like crying. Sometimes I do but I have to shove it down for now. So, I’m just in pain. Existing is pain… I’ve always known that to be true for me.
It’s just hitting really hard today on a day we’re going to have lots of people over and I want so badly to be happy for R and those around me and I can’t feel happiness right now and it hurts that I feel this inept at being put together for people on top of everything.
This likely means I have to let parts take over – and I don’t know if I can control what happens at that point – it’s scary and it’ll likely hurt a lot. Just a lot of anxiety this AM.
AC: But it doesn’t matter does it? None of it matters because you have work to do and you need to put on a show – so let’s get with it already. Do yourself a favor and step aside for someone more capable, please.
D: Yeah, go hide in your closet like the piece of shit weakling you are. AC and I have got this. We don’t need you, we never did.
Friend: Don’t worry. I’ll be there to greet your guests – they won’t even know the difference, you know that.
I do. It’s why I don’t feel like I need to exist at all. The real me is not really necessary to exist in this world is she? She’s pathetic and incapable and weak.
D: I mean… that’s what I’ve been saying, but no one listens to me…just check out already!
This is why I don’t want to be here anymore – I’m not needed … I’m not even really sure I’ve been living as me, most of my life. That realization is strangling. That’s probably why I never felt like anyone knew me… because it wasn’t me. The real me is depressed and hurt and sobbing in the back of her closet alone – who the fuck would want to see that?
Maybe that’s why it all feels so raw this week. My skin is flayed, bleeding, cracked and in the spots with new skin.. the sun is too bright and burns. I just want to go back inside and let all my parts take care of everything for me. I don’t want to be here anymore. But I know it will hurt either way.
Why do I have to suffer so much? What did I do to deserve this?
Lost Not here, Not there, Not anywhere, All the things and Nothing at all, Everyone and No one, We float in ethereal paradise; grasp at the stars, and dream of the day we are them. -The Midnight System (me)
I thought it would be helpful for you to know this because this just happened to me as well many times over the last couple of years.
When your protectors step aside, my T always asks them, “Are you protecting anyone?” Protectors are always protecting a hurt part because hurt parts carry the trauma, not the self.
In my session, we were able to get check out and terrorized to step aside, but what I didn’t know was that they are protecting someone. When my T asked her usual question of, are they protecting anyone, I had a funny moment of Check Out and others giving a defensive response of, “We protect terrorized!”. Terrorized never answered and I was told to say No. But there is someone there that carries some of the most profound pain and sadness I have felt.
You are blended with a hurt piece that is reliving what they were created to carry. Sending love your way.
Hey there! 👋 Thanks so much for the insight. It took me a few reads for it to click but I think I see what you’re saying.
But also I’m so sorry for the raw feelings that surfaced for you in session, it’s been a rough week, huh? It’s so generous of you to offer support when I know you are low on spoons. I’m going to reflect on on your words – we’ll talk soon I’m sure.
Be good to yourself and take care. <3 <3 <3