This was my mood this week. It’s so painful to look at this. I don’t like how erratic I was all week. It was impossible to keep myself stable. Even when nothing that impactful was happening. It’s really embarrassing to show people this part of me.. how much I struggle to just live and be normal. Likely no one has any fucking clue… at all…. that I’m like this…breaking down into tears between completely presenting normal. There’s a lot of shame wrapped up in this for me and I’m not entirely sure why.
I think it’s because I feel like… after months of therapy and living my life I should be able to be more normal than this… be more stable. I know I present that way on the surface to others… but the truth is just everyday life is super super hard for me. I have to front a lot like I’m just enjoying being alive…when I struggle so often with not giving a shit whether or not that’s true.
Anyways, I wanted to share this… the last event that’s not on here is cleaning up my office on Thursday night and my home in general. It was painful as I haven’t cleaned up much over the past 6 months (not in the deep clean kind of way) and there were lots of things strewn about my office that were left over from materials I made for my brother’s service… and from dealing w/ his house and his computer and phone… it hurt a lot. A lot of reminders… I’d like to say cleaning up felt good in the end… like I was moving on, but I’m not really ready to move on just yet…and yet… it happens.
I remember the day after the brutal altercation w/ my dad. I remember driving into work at my family’s business and I remember feeling like time had stopped for me, but that it continued to move on all around me… like I was in a bubble where time was frozen but I could see through the hazy lens of the bubble and no one gave a fuck… life moved on. That’s what it felt like to me yesterday.
I wonder if I should continue to track my mood in this way…. could be a cool part of my app design…