This past weekend I decided while I repainted some walls in my house I would go ahead and partake in a little fun. Kinda misjudged the amt of “fun” and ended up stoned out of my mind. Which is whatever, I was safe at home.. but I ended up having some strange experiences with my littles…
First off, 6 year old came out and was worried Rich was mad at her. The way my voice changed was unlike anything I’ve experienced. I typically get slightly higher pitched when channeling her…but this was something else all together. I also wasn’t in control.. she just talked to him w/o my permission, without me being “there” – it was bizarre.
After he assured me he wasn’t mad, I went to rest on the sofa. As I closed my eyes, I saw the littlest part I’m familiar with, maybe 2 or 3 years old max, the one I found in the “well”. She was climbing over a sofa and then I remember her holding a baby for a moment, tenderly. I tried to “look closer” but the visual shifted and she disappeared. Then it was 5 or 6 year old me staring at observer me in the void. She was looking at me oddly, like she had something bad (ashamed?) to say but didn’t want to say it out loud, and then she turned her back to me. She was wearing an overall dress and holding a stuffed animal. She looked over her shoulder at me with a look of discomfort on her face. Suddenly, without any prompting she put her stuffed animal down, and got on all fours. She lifted her dress up to reveal she didn’t have any underwear on. She looked back at me w/ pain on her face and like she expected me to do something… to have sex with her???.. As she was “positioning” herself, I could feel myself watching in horror and confusion. I pleaded with her *”What are you doing?? Stop it…Why are you doing this???”* I asked her to stop but she just stayed there…posing and looking back at me saying nothing with a look of pleading/pain on her face… my mind was in disbelief. I could feel observer me trying to make sense of it… the observer me telling myself that maybe I was confused… maybe I’m confusing her with my adult sex memories… but it was like trying to hammer a puzzle piece into a spot that didn’t fit. I could feel my brain rejecting the explanation…and then the system kicked me out.
After, I tried to speak to that little 6 y/o part of me, who is normally quite vocal. I tried to ask her if she was raped.. but heard nothing… there was no connection… no response. Nothing.
I told this story to my friend and this was how the conversation went:
Me: Wonder if I should bother sharing this with my T? It could just be weird dreams, right?
Friend: I remember saying that to myself with a similar experience…but then my T asked me…”Do 6 year olds have sexual dreams?”
Me: …But, I wasn’t her right?” That’s not me…
Me: Or, I guess…it is…
Me: Oh…
Me: Fuck.
My friend sent a “hugs” gif in solidarity.
I don’t know what to do with this. Weirdly, I didn’t react to it (I guess I was pretty high). The most I felt this weekend was slightly embarrassed/ashamed and also hating myself for being .. a victim.. if that’s true. But there’s def a diff part in control keeping me from really feeling anything about it. It’s strange. And why the self-hate? I don’t actually know. I don’t know anything anymore… *shrug*
Anyway! Good times…