That’s how I feel. I feel crushed and raw and bleeding. I feel like it’s a day of accepting my responsibility for all this shit that I did – when I feel like… in a lot of ways its not entirely my fault. Someone else made me this way… the way others treated me when I was vulnerable made me this way… and that’s not to dodge responsibility but surely that has to count for something, no?
Actually, when I was around my dad in the past Parts would get upset because I used to act like how he wanted… just take it w/o saying anything. But you know who didn’t get mad? Little. Because she knows… she always knew… I do it to protect her. To confront is dangerous… Darkness wouldn’t give a shit.. “I already got my ass kicked what else can he do? Kill us? I’d like to the old man try.“
But everyone else wisely doesn’t want any part of that. When we left my dad rubbed my arm a lot…too much. It disgusted me but I sat there like a stone and took it. I shudder when thinking about it and it sits with me, but at least all of my parts are on the same page. I’m sorry, but it was for our own protection… (they don’t 100% believe me.. think I could have dodged it) but I’m not going to subject you all to it for long okay? Just know that I’m working on it. But that’s why Little and the others don’t get upset… they know and have compassion for me. That’s not the same for all my Parts…
It’s hard… to look at Deviant. But I saw her today, while we were talking, I saw what she looked like… for the first time… like really saw. And, she’s not what I imagined…. she’s broken. Literally, she is missing limbs. An arm, both legs… one above, one below the knee. Her skin is scarred and discolored, her lips cracked, her hair a rats nest of tangles. She is withered…and diseased…rotting…. I can’t even describe it very well because I only got a glimpse… I had to look away… it was too gruesome. Too painful.
And when you called her a hero? She said to “Fuck off.”
There was a moment… when I could feel that she wanted to switch… it was really uncomfortable. But maybe I should let her? I’m just afraid…
I guess, I know it will take time.. just like with my friend. I can show up w/ flowers and all the kindness in the world but if she’s not ready, she’s not ready. And she is just too bitter to accept it right now. But she does hear us… I think maybe she just needs to sit with it. I just… don’t know if she’s willing to forgive… not all the way anyway. I don’t know whether I feel like I deserve forgiveness… and that’s really what it is. I think, I’m partially punishing myself… allowing her to hate me if it feels good to her. I’ll be a punching bag if it gives her some measure of peace… probably not the right attitude. But that’s where I’m at. She hates me… and I hate me too. I don’t know how to stop…
You know… I haven’t made the time to make Deviant a room in my headspace… I don’t know if she’d want to live there… because of how much she hates me. But, I suppose I can make the room anyway.
Well… she wants to talk .. so here we go…
***
No, I wanna talk directly.. ugh whatever. Look. I don’t really want your fucking pity or congratulations or “you’re so awesome”. Fuck you. I’m irreparably destroyed – what don’t you get about that? Nothing you say is going to change that. So you can take your “thank you’s” and shove ’em up your ass. You all are pieces of shit you know that? I don’t know where you get off, waking me up… just to fucking, I don’t know, try to give me some stupid participation trophy?? Like fuck you, I’m missing my fucking legs!! What’s your “thanks” gonna do for me? Your words gonna fix that? I don’t think so. Nothing you say can ever take away what was done to me. Protecting? I didn’t protect shit.. I was fucking thrown in front of the bus half the time! And I had to fuck my way out. Do you know what that’s like? Cause it’s not a damn joy ride – every single time I was damaged. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I had to endure literal torture… and I fucking hate you for it. I’m always going to hate you for it… just fucking leave me alone!
***
I closed my eyes for a moment… and in the void I heard sobbing and then…
…Everything just fucking hurts.…
It was born of physical pain… some how I knew that. It was her. Her body physically hurts… it’s been neglected for so long. No one has cared enough to even find her…
There’s a lot of work there to get her to a good place. I know this… I guess it’s a good thing I know this. I don’t how long it’ll take. I don’t know where to begin.. I don’t even know what her trauma really is? I think it’s related to the parade of men… but I don’t remember most of it.. lot of black outs. I don’t remember anything?
I’m just so sad. I feel awful.