[6 min read] This is the part where I fight with myself, tooth and nail, to keep existing. I knew I was going to crash… it’s what makes me so anxious about feeling that “high”…
I… went from being on top of the world for 48 hours to struggling with the monolithic weight of how broken I am. With feeling like I’m failing those around me. With feeling like all people ever want from me is sex because that’s all I’m worth anyway. It’s all I’ve ever been worth. The warmth and kindness I’ve always exuded attracted predators … predators who ripped me open so they could see my beating heart and take a piece for themselves. They gorged on my innocence, my desperation for love. With my insides exposed my mind began to rot. I tried everything to stitch myself back together… and it held for a while but the wounds never healed completely shut. I’m still in decay.
I was doing okay yesterday but today I feel like trash again. I feel worthless. I feel like I’m inept – incapable of performing to the standards I should be able to – like people expect of me.
Be there for me Jess. Spend time with me. Love me. Entertain me. Meet my sexual needs. Make me feel loved. Support me. Hang out with me. Take care of me. You’re so strong – you do it. You take care of it. Help me. Guide me. Make me feel better, Jess.
Be there for them…for all of them. But you know you can’t, can you? You know in the end you’ll let someone down – because you’re too weak. And it feels like it doesn’t matter how much time off… or how much art or writing or other coping strats I use.. I’ll always feel less than capable of doing what I’m supposed to do. Of maintaining that image or the expectations of others because you’re too forgetful, too dumb, too lazy, too selfish. Can’t even complete simple tasks at home or form reasonable habits like other adults. Too anxious to call people or text them back… they all just want something from you anyway. But I don’t have anything left to give…
Except my life. Maybe if I give them that – they’ll stop asking. They’ll shut up. After all, it’s all I’ve got left.
Maybe if I give them what’s left of my self, when I’m no more…they’ll finally ask, what they could have given me, instead.
***
Darkness: What a piece of shit for writing this. Crying about feeling unappreciated or unloved. What a crock of horse shit. You should be ashamed of yourself. It makes me want to puke and if I could I’d beat you and lock you away somewhere so that I can’t hear you crying. So disappointed and embarrassed and ashamed of being so damn weak and needy. You’re just like your mom – useless and inept. Pathetic.
***
Update: I think I figured out that part of my trigger was today. My group chat got weird this weekend. There was a lot of sexual innuendo (towards me and between them) and while I was cracking up and making jokes w/ the two of them… I didn’t realize how triggering it would be afterwards. In what is supposed to be a safe space…I got lost in something. That part of me that thinks I’ve only ever had value as a sex object (see: CSA, multiple sex partners, some of which treated me like trash, brutalized me, and then told me i was pathetic…). I didn’t realize how much hurt was there. We’re taught to talk about sex partners like it’s a conquest, notches in your belt… but I haven’t really acknowledged how painful that was for me… how painful it is for me. Because both of my chat buddies are ex-mormon their sexual history is pretty short (as in one person) so this is fun for them to use those muscles. For me I don’t flirt unless I mean it, and it almost always leads to something. I want to throw up. More than anything I want to see myself bleed… a lot.
I wish I wasn’t like this… I feel like I’m letting people down by being weak and needing this particular habit. I have friends visiting soon and the rage cuts I made during a tough weekend haven’t healed. I’m so pathetic. It just makes me want be done with this stupid existence. I hate myself.