I guess I’m feeling thankful for me today – only a couple items since I blathered on a bit hehe. Good place to be even though I’m feeling a little work anxiousness. It’ll pass I’m sure.
- My Body
—>So, I was born club-footed in both feet. Something kinda abnormal for girls (my brothers were fine). I actually think its cause my mom was undernourished and stressed (I’ve seen pics when she was pregnant w/ me… she looked horribly underweight and unhappy). I started off life in casts/braces for like the first 6 months-year of life. But even so, with medical care, I healed and grew – maybe an inch or two shorter than I would have been lol – or maybe that’s wishful thinking haha. Yesterday was my first day back on the field since my stupid calf tear. I took it slow and played defense and did really well! Barring one instance where I had to burst sprint and felt the tear aggravate – it was a freaking blast! And I’m thankful for being able to use my body in that way. When I ruptured my acl (I tore my meniscus too) I was hobbled and it was awful and I really got a taste of what it would be like not to be able-bodied. But I woke up this morning w/o as much pain and I’m thankful to know I will heal in time. That I will be able to play soccer, run, walk, ride bikes, play w/ my nieces/nephews, walk around at fall festivals and social events (even physical labor like yard work/gardening etc.). I never want to fucking take that for granted because movement and physical exercise is so important for human bodies to be healthy (mind and body). It wasn’t a lesson I learned as a kid, but it’s a lesson I try to take to heart now. I know I have some shitty imbalanced hormones that need to be dealt with (I’ve tried, but doctors just keep throwing the same solution at me over and over, even though I know there’s something off) – but I know if I really prioritize my health, I’ll be able to work through that too. The body has such an amazing capacity to heal and I’m so thankful for that. <3
2. My Brain/The Way I think
—>Let me preface this by saying that I’ve always felt like I was weird when I was a kid. Like I could tell I didn’t think like the others and couldn’t understand things the same way. I had a *lot* of difficulty with concepts that were black and white because I could see all the shades of grey in between and always had so many questions that I was too shy to ask or that weren’t being addressed. I wasn’t quite detail oriented – in that I recognized the details but didn’t necessarily care about them unless I needed to. I wasn’t gifted academically (although all of my weird friends were lol), but I felt like I had a deep curiosity about the world that wasn’t really nourished, that is, until the internet came along in my early teens and I could educate myself all I wanted! I wasn’t a straight A student by any means as a child, but as I got older I learned that school was just a game. Figure how to put in the least amt of effort to get a result that kept the adults off your back (A’s/B’s) – and you win! haha. In gaming it’s called Min-maxing. It’s kind of an attitude I adopt at work sometimes too and in general part of my way of viewing the world is just one big game because I’m incredibly playful at heart. All this to say, I know I have struggled with thinking in the same way as others, which made it difficult to fit in, especially with other women, and I have felt that way most of my life… but I don’t care. It made me who I am, it made me develop coping strategies to fit into a neurotypical world and yet I got to retain my divergent way of thinking so I could leverage both. I powered through challenges that made me think I was less-than academically (did I mention I’m a horrible test taker lol) and had to find creative ways to forge a path in life that reflected who I am as a person. It has been super fucking difficult. I often thought I was an idiot (mostly owing to doing terrible on big stakes tests lol) and I haven’t even mentioned the emotional challenges I’ve had to content with… but here I am. I’ve got loving people in my life, successful career/finances, cozy house and neighborhood; I didn’t do half bad did I? So even though I have had many challenges with how I think about the world and myself, I’m thankful for the way I think – in how I perceive the world. I know there are areas that need work in that department, but I don’t doubt with the right support I’ll be able to find my way through that as well.
And Dare I say it? I might actually be content today. : )