I feeeeeel. Nothing. Haha I sorta feel like I used to before my brother died before any thoughts around what happened when I was a kid. Thinking about it makes me anxious. There’s a weird block again – preventing me from thinking beyond the surface of all that. I’m kinda just existing and can’t seem to want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I went to bed super early last night and I kinda want to do that today. I just don’t care – sort of just floating. I’m not even really in a bad mood or a good mood. I had to spend time w my parents today and I just want to disappear. Can’t really exercise which is shitty. I ignored several of my friends and I feel bad about that but oh well. I don’t really know who.. I am… right now which is slightly unsettling. Yet, I’m just fine with that. *shrug*
It’s pretty weird to feel your brain closing off – overwriting the last few weeks so that it’s more difficult to remember. I feel guilty for letting it happen but my thoughts get really jumbled if it try to remember much… dig too deep and I start to get dizzy. The weirdest shit is that I feel my brain trying to get me to forget therapy too… even my T. I actually struggle to remember what he looks like rn…
Maybe I should just stop, forget all the things, and disappear. Does that make me a coward for not facing all the pain? Maybe. But maybe I’m okay with that. This is the part where I typically just ghost everyone, never to be heard from again lol.
Sometimes I wish I was a bird. It would be nice to fly away from everything; spend a simple and short life living on the wind.