This week was hard. Really hard. Thanksgiving was harder, I’ll give you that. But this was no cake-walk. I had to do a lot of shit around my brother’s house. Triggered a lot of feelings. Also, my friend got me super sick. And weirdly the way my body works is that I don’t always get the exact cold my friends have. My body in its haste to rid a virus… will get like 25-50% of the intensity of symptoms.. and then shove everything out through my gastrointestinal system asap. This results in me getting much more stomach upset, nausea or diarrhea. This week it was the runs for like four days – I barely ate anything most of this week.
On the 3rd day I had a mental break down over stress. The world was imploding. When I get like that I can’t do anything. I just lay in bed frozen in fear but also angry and lashing out and hearing conversations that give me anxiety. Little was really scared.. I needed to protect her.. to be her and allow her to express herself. But it’s scary and I feel lost and alone and it’s really hard. I tried to imagine Ben talking to Little to calm her… I imagined her on his couch in his office… and interestingly it had the opposite effect. She lashed out at the idea of being there alone with him. Terrified she screamed to go back in… even though… I was always just laying in bed curled up under a blanket. Interesting.
The truth is… I want Ben to meet her… I’m just really scared. I just think, there is power there in getting her comfortable with talking. The confusing part is.. I still don’t know how to navigate this whole Ben/Nichole situation. I’m trying I just don’t know.
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AC has been out a whole lot this week. By Friday after nearly a week straight of gastrointestinal issues I went to the doc. The doc there was nice. He commented on how relaxed I was. alert and seemed to be a good problem solver.. I was shocked at how quickly he picked up on that. Is it my language skills? The charm? I’m getting to notice that when people comment on these things its because I’m not me. It’s AC’s extremely well practiced persona. It’s scary how good she is at presenting that way. Charming, at ease (because there’s no real emotion there), bright, determined, eloquent speaker. She’s the one that makes me feel like a sociopath. She knows how to disarm people with a caring smile and powerful words… but if you ask her how she *feels* about something… blank. fucking. stare.
I got two negative covid tests this week. One at home and one at the docs office. Just in case. While I was sitting there I noticed some sparkles…migraine aura. Hm.. interesting…and just as I was turning the corner on this stomach bug.. I got hit with painful cramps at 3am. Period. Seriously? Which is like a week early. Last month I was like a week and a half late (22 day cycle vs 40 day cycle). I think I might have PCOS. I’ve suspected for a long time… but I hate doctors… such a hassle. I have yet to find one in KC I like. Maybe one day.
So as I lay there in bed… the pain elevating…. realizing that the migraine was the first sign. Sometimes I get them based on hormone changes. But not always. I’m starting to just become more and more aware of my body’s signals. It’s kind of nice because it allows me to prepare… to know how to handle it. I never thought I had aura but I absolutely do. And sometimes thats all I have… aura and no headache. It just looks different for me. It looks like colored dots that appear at my periphery – they’re almost like iridescent or holographic looking…. almost like stars. Sometimes I also get floaters hehe. Little squiggly lines that look like fuzz or a hair stuck in your eye.. but there’s nothing there. They float by quietly like a feather in the wind lol.
Sometimes migraine can cause confusion too. So yesterday and today… perfect god damn storm of body pain, neurological changes due to migraine and hormonal mood swings. I had some new experiences though. At one point the combination of dehydration (from a week long saga of diarrhea lol), migraine, pain and cramps… made the pain so intense and white hot…. I felt like my brain was going to melt. And then I started to feel like i was floating… like literally brain was expanding to another plane of existence it was wild. I wonder… is that what it feels like when you die in your sleep?
I wasn’t even high so this was all new. Coming down from that wave of intense … i don’t even know what to call it, but I felt some confusion… hard to speak… find words… but I decided to take a chance on taking a thc/cbd gummy and I’m glad I did. It calmed my anxiety down and allowed me to relax. I still feel off but.. that and my good friend suddenly realizing I was awake at 3am… we’re apparently connected that way… and chatting with her has me in better spirits. Pain relief has kicked in and I’m good. I can do this… I can show up to the party tonight and have a good time… and still finish my responsibilities. I’m just going to give myself grace to try and get as far as I can – calm… no pressure.
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Someone wants to talk. This is what AC wants to tell Ben about the therapy situation.
AC:
This is AC. Although, I really hate that name.
Jess: What do you want to be called then?
I don’t know I don’t want a name – whatever. I’m supposed to be invisible remember??
Jess: Oh, right…
Anyway, I need to get this out.
This is what I think. Truthfully – I’m not entirely sure you’re equipped to handle us. I’m not sure what your background is working with people like me. We’ve never really discussed it other than a vague reference to you treating people with DID and that was before she was aware of us. And I’ve gotten the impression you didn’t want to discuss it further. That’s fine.
And I do attribute some of our growth to you, a lot really. But I also know a lot of it is because we are good at helping ourselves – we are good at learning – we always have been. It’s what has kept us alive – our ability to adapt.
My trepidation lies in the fact that, if you aren’t equipped, are you willing to learn new techniques to help us? I get the impression your life is just a little too full to fit that in – and I pass no judgement on that whatsoever. If you’re comfortable with your current techniques, you’re confident that you can help us with our current path, then I trust you. I can do that much. But I’m putting a lot of faith in you – owning to the fact – that you’ve very much helped Little and others in the system so far just be the nature of being you.
That long email you received? That was mostly Jess but it was also a little of me. I do help her in seeing things pragmatically at times and I can objectively say she is better because you support her (as well as her friends too).
That being said, Nichole does seem to have a good level of understanding. She does “talk the talk”. She recognized me almost immediately as separate from Jess. She had the benefit of knowing I was likely DID going in – so I’ll caveat it all by that. But she does seem to have more specialized training…
My question to you is…and I hope you don’t take offense, but truthfully I don’t care if you do… hm, let me pause —
I want to be clear about one thing. No matter how much Jess is attached to you.. or even loves the part of you that shows up to sessions….. I will always do what’s best for us. Make no mistake, I don’t give a fuck (pardon my French) how warm and fuzzy she feels about you or anyone else. If the situation is out of control – I will certainly hit the eject button – as you have seen. If that means ghosting people or hurting her to wake her the fuck up… to maintain order – I will do what’s necessary to protect us.
But back to my question. Do you honestly, and truthfully, think you have the skills necessary to help her in the long term? And would you be willing and able to learn more if you don’t? If you can answer yes to both of those questions – we are inclined to want to continue working with you.
If you have any doubts – please encourage her to move on because she will not let go of you unless you encourage her to – your “deep magic” attachment shit worked – congratulations. lol
Lastly, maybe there is a world in which we work with both of you – and that could make sense. But we need a better picture of what that looks like. Maybe you can help with that – maybe not. Either way, I expect you to answer with integrity in how you evaluate whether or not you can help her. If you care about her you owe her that.
Nichole said point blank to Jess two sessions in. “I really want to work with you.” We wondered why, but the invitation is nice.
Do you feel the same way? If you do, can you provide evidence to suggest you’re equipped to do so? or at last willing to learn more if not? That’s what I really want to know. That’s some part of what keeps me up at night right now. Answering that… would help all of us find greater confidence in moving forward.
Lastly. Jess really wants Little to talk to you. Little is terrified. If you feel inclined to do so.. I think it would be helpful to find a way to do that, bring it up in session and see how she feels. You are great with kids, we can tell.
Also, thank you, overall we really do appreciate your guidance so far with everything – her email last week… the sentiment is shared by most of us.
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Will come back to this post to add some art. Left hand likes to express.