Wow. Moments ago I was SO out of it. I don’t actually think I was even me. I think maybe I was channeling someone else. But who – I don’t know. But… she.. is real tired of living. lolol She finds it funny how depressed she is. Or someone does.. someone thinks it’s hilarious. Darkness is that you? haha Probably.
Why do I feel this way? Hmmm let’s take a guess. Probably because I was pressured into diving into Matrix shit before I had enough supports in place? Probably.
And it shook a looooot of things out. This sort of connected feeling… connecting all the dots on a dark abusive constellation. It’s strange. I don’t necessarily feel like it should matter what my past was.. or what happened to me. But… as they say… the body keeps the score. I’m sick.. because my body is sick… because of all that shit that happened that was never acknowledged or whatever. So am I supposed to care? Cause… then what? So what if I care it happened? boo hoo. i’m so fucking sad. go damn i feel like killing myself so much rn. i just want to run away. there’s just no one i care to share any of this with and i just don’t care anymore. There is a part of me that’s so bright and loving.. and then this deeply depressed and suicidal part that could care less. And another part that doesn’t want any attachments because they hurt too much.
So i need to run. I can’t feel Little either anymore either. I don’t know where she went. She’s been a part of my life since I can remember and suddenly… she’s not there. I hug a plush and I feel nothing. It feels weird. There’s no soothing not even any freeze just nothing… empty. It’s like I killed her or she’s blended into matrix .. i have no idea. I don’t know maybe I don’t care enough to stay alive. Maybe I don’t.
I’m alone tonight. Comfortable…. maybe it’s a good night, fuck it. haha