My stomach has been wrecked for days. Cause I needed that – why not.
I don’t know. Who wants to live with this much dysregulation. Would I like to live to do some other cool shit? Yeah. But do I need to? Not really.
I hate my family. I got a text from my brother this AM. “Call me when you get a chance”, my heart sank. I don’t actually like you.
I have been so stressed out from work. I had such a hard time dealing with my brothers house… the loss hitting me all over again. And the first thing out of his mouth… “What’s up with the House sale?” Like why the fuck is it any of your business?
Worried about parents not giving Casey money if they think she got the house. I’m like again… why is this any of your business? You backed out of having any responsibility here. You dumped it on me. I briefly mentioned potentially finding a buyer we know… and he flipped out on me. “Absolutely not… get rid of it. Why haven’t Casey and the kids gotten their shit outta the house yet? I thought they did that already?! What’s taking so long?!” The tone. Exactly like my dads. Like I’m some piece of shit to be ordered around and told what to do and made to feel like I’m worthless. It’s okay, you’re right, I am.
I changed the subject. Oh and mom asked for us to go to dinner for my birthday. I deflected. Oh and have I asked Casey about taking the kids on vacation – why the fuck don’t you do that? I sorta snapped back that I don’t schedule things. I’m bad at vacations, Rich does all that and I just show up. He said nothing.
It was upsetting. Absolutely no compassion for me or Casey or the twins in this process. I wanted to scream. I still want to scream. With them in my life what’s the god damn point.
Oh also my brain is permanently broken. Thanks for the confirmation this week. Jeezus. When will I finally find time to just fucking end it. Maybe over break. Maybe tomorrow shit who cares.
It doesn’t actually matter if anyone cares, if I don’t.
Just too much. Finding that hopeless eye of the storm that’s quiet because I give up on trying – it’s comforting.
It’s quiet here. I like it. I told one of my Ts I’ll likely cut tonight. Been resisting all evening.. but maybe that’s better… maybe drugs are better. I just don’t care – if I do – it just hurts too damn much. I can’t cry anymore. I give up – just hurt me it’s fine – it’s what I was made for.